Humor Collection Thread

[Johnny Dangerously]

Bumper stickers seen on a Marine Corps Base


" U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club"


"Water-boarding is out, so kill them all!"


"Interrogators can't water board dead guys"


" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents To Allah"


"Stop Global Whining"


"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"


Naval Corollary; "Dead men don't testify."


"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"


"Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"


"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!


"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? ... A little Recoil"


"Marines -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"


"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"


"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"


"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"


"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl"


"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- USN Gun Fire Support"


"Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?"


"My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college"


"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"


"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"


"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran"


"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."


"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem." - Ronald Reagan




`

[Alloy Dave]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXezgjSDRXc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXezgjSDRXc&feature=related)

[Alloy Dave]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”

[Ebony Princess]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”


:giggle:

[Johnny Dangerously]

When Insults Had Class:

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."



A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." -
Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


`

[Joe G]

National Parks Closed For Annual Remajestification


http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article/17484/National-Parks-large.jpg
Each bald eagle receives an annual head-rewhitening.

WASHINGTON—With their current condition "marginally breathtaking at best," America's national parks will be closed this week for their exhaustive annual cleaning and remajestification, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Monday.

"It's that time of year again when we roll up our sleeves and begin the painstaking task of resplendoring our parks," Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said. "After a long off-season, the foliage has grown lackluster, our mountain streams have lost their crystal clarity, and even the sparrows' songs are flat and desultory. So please excuse the noise and dust as we prepare our country's scenic wonders for their grand reopening on Memorial Day."

Each year, all 84.4 million acres of land overseen by the National Park Service are thoroughly scrubbed, tidied, and restored to a maximally picturesque summertime state. According to officials, the weeklong process includes extensive brook re-babbling, the application of new bark to some 37,000 giant redwood trees, litter removal, and the sharpening and re-snowcapping of every peak in the Rockies.

In addition, some 4.7 billion stones will be polished to their original sheen, and more than 23 million species


http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article/17484/National-Parks-Jump-R_jpg_250x1000_q85.jpg

Bark-washing crews work round-the-clock so that, come reopening, the giant redwoods will really pop.


At Yosemite, officials have been dispatched to reposition the necks of swans for optimal poise and grace, while rangers at the park have been instructed to "get out there and comb those bears."

"People don't realize how quickly the beauty and enchantment of these places gets depleted," Walter McCoy, a ranger at Maine's Acadia National Park, said as he pulled up last year's carpet of pine needles and laid down a fresh one. "Tourists come here, they ooh and they aah, and before you know it, all the majesty gets used up."

McCoy added that by August his crew is usually forced to discharge canisters of scented evergreen into the breeze to induce an adequate sense of calm and wonderment.

The annual program began in 1947, when Congress established a $400 million fund "for restoring the majesty of America's natural heritage so often as it becomes necessary." Initially, expenditures were limited to sky-bluification and the regoldenizing of sunsets, but today the budget cover dozens of projects: specialized tools to sharpen moose antlers, spray tanks to enhance the mists surrounding waterfalls and the beads of moisture that appear on spiderwebs, and miniature loofahs for buffing blades of grass.

Sources confirmed the U.S. government makes $30 million each year licensing its proprietary morning-dew recipe to other nations, earnings it then devotes toward modernizing the infrastructure of America's natural beauty.

"These meadows aren't going to sun-dapple themselves," Sequoia National Park superintendent Karen Taylor-Goodrich told reporters Monday. "Just today, I was on Moro Rock looking at the Western Divide and the resplendence factor was maybe three out of 10—hardly jaw-dropping awe."

"Keep scrubbing, and get between those crags!" Taylor-Goodrich then shouted through a megaphone at a team of rangers washing the face of Mount Whitney while suspended from helicopters. "I want it to look like the postcard."

Regular patrons of the nation's parks said they were looking forward to the reopening, complaining that by late spring, the deteriorated grandeur makes it impossible to experience any kind of tranquility in nature.

"The grizzlies reek of hibernation, there's no fog left in the gorges, and the buffalo only roam when they absolutely need to be somewhere," said Ken Brunswick of Jackson, WY, a restaurateur and outdoorsman. "I sure wouldn't want to be the one to drain Old Faithful and clean the trap, but I'm glad someone is doing it."

But many citizens interviewed for this story argued that remajestification is a waste of federal tax dollars, saying they resented being "shaken down by the IRS to polish some eagle's beak" and that wolves should "just pick the brambles out of their own ******* fur."

National Park Service director Jonathan Jarvis said many Americans take their country's natural beauty for granted and imagine that it is somehow self-maintaining.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to preserve a forest canopy?" Jarvis said. "To hang that many pinecones and dig all those holes where the roots go? Even getting the leaves to stay on is something we struggle with nearly every year."

Added Jarvis, "The kinds of resources we need to make that happen don't just grow on trees."http://media.theonion.com/img/icons/terminator.gif


http://www.theonion.com/articles/national-parks-closed-for-annual-remajestification,17484/

[Joe G]

Millions Of Shrimp Airlifted From Oil Spill Disaster Zone


http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article/17457/Red-Lobster-copter_jpg_445x1000_upscale_q85.jpg



:haha:

[Alloy Dave]

this thread is funny.

[Stew]

__

[Alloy Dave]

pw

[Stew]

__









:grin:

[Alloy Dave]

:canada:

[Stew]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come
upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the
size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the
bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"


The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."


The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a
hand and we'll throw it in and see."


So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two, and
three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and
looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind
them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.


While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
walks up.


"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my
goat around here anywhere, did you?"


The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes
doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here
hole!"


And the old farmer said, "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to
a transmission! "

[Alloy Dave]

ok, what's up with the goat jokes? :haha:

Confuscious say...Chinese man who go through airport turnstiles sideways going to Bangkok.

:boxing:

[Little Debbie]

:lol:

[Stew]

Smart rednecks

Who says rednecks are dumb???


Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday Buddy"

[Stew]

663662664665666

[Stew]

668667669670671672673http://stangsunited.com/images/misc/pencil.png

[Stew]

675674676677678679http://stangsunited.com/images/misc/pencil.png

[Little Debbie]

hey, the hot dog cooker is genius!

[Stew]

I like the coffee table.

[Alloy Dave]

668667669670671672673http://stangsunited.com/images/misc/pencil.png
Where did you get those pictures of Orfstock?
:cop2:

[Stew]

I could tell you but then I'd have to keel you.

[twobjshelbys]

(You know, every where else this is the "Jokes" thread :) )



A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack,
(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the
horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one,
holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes .

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied.

'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[Johnny Dangerously]

(You know, every where else this is the "Jokes" thread :) )
http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa172/07AlloyGT/StangsUnited%20II/Suckitupprincess.jpg

[Black Vert SS]

love that coffee table

[Stew]

70571671771871972072172272371571470670770870971071 1712713724

[Stew]

Double Entendres



Eight Words with two Meanings



1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ... Any part under a car's hood.
Male ... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female ... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male ... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION ( ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female ... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female ... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male ... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female ... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male .... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE ( flach-u-lens) n.
Female ... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male .... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female ... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female ... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


AND . . ..


He said . . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Stew]

819

[GP500SU]

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl"

"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

All hilarious,but these 3 are awesome.

[The Bone]

hey, the hot dog cooker is genius!
Guy looks a little like Grabber

[68fastback]

Puns for the twisted mind.


1. King Ozymandias ofAssyriawas running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of theEuphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company ofMassachusettswanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up inCanadaorMexicorather thanCalifornia. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tates is lost!"

(that explains TG's errant wanderings, I think ;-))

6.A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

[Little Debbie]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative ; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was .... God, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the Lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a Lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get $crewed!"

[Joe G]

Dan and Deb...




:groan:









:lol:

[Alloy Dave]

A young man and a woman got married, and after the reception went to the honeymoon suite at the Ritz-Carlton on the 3rd floor.

As they took a deep breath after the long day, the husband said to his new bride... "Honey, I have a confession to make....I'm a virgin."

His wife looked at him with a sense of relief and smiled...and said "I'm so glad you said that...I am too but I was afraid to tell you!"

They both had a good laugh and kissed. Then reality sank in, as they both realized neither knew how to have sex.

So finally the husband says "I have an idea!" :idea:

You stand over by the window, I'll stand by the door...I'll flip the light switch off, we'll both get undressed, I'll count to three, we'll run towards each other and meet in the middle."

The wife thought this was a great idea....so there they went...she by the window, he by the door.

He asked if she was ready, and the excitement began to build. She nodded, so he shut off the light. You could hear the clothes dropping to the floor, and then he said "are you undressed"....to which she responded happily..."yes I am".

So he said.."ok...on the count of 3......1..................2....................... .....3"

The sound of scuttling feet on the hardwood floor was heard...and then a loud bang/crash.

The next thing the husband knew, he awoke on the street...three floors down...with paramedics all around him kneeling down. They asked him if he was ok...to which he responded "I'm fine, but what about my wife?"

Their response was................



wait for it....................













next post.............. :haha:

[Alloy Dave]

"She'll be fine as soon as we pry her off the doorknob".

:redcard:

[Little Debbie]

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=3659830&song=200%20M.P.H.

[twobjshelbys]

A Cowboy from Laramie, Wyoming, walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Wyoming for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn& Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Laramie, Wyoming."

"What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole Wyoming boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

[rickf73]

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died.
When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.

They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, Peyton," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch,
he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Saints logo flag, and in every window,
a New Orleans Saints towel.

Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question.
I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Peyton?"

"Well, why does Drew Brees get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Peyton, that's not Drew's house, it's mine."

[Vette Killer]

You may not understand the Newfie reference if you are not from Canada...

A Newfie walks into a Nfld. library and says to the librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, I wants a book on suicide.'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'F off, you won't bring it back!'

[rickf73]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

[rickf73]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .

[rickf73]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

[rickf73]

Bill was having trouble with his computer. So he called Bob the computer guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave Bill a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, Bill called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

Bill didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," he replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So Bill wrote out . I D 1 0 T

[mustang loco]

those are funny Rick!!:spitcopy:

[Gr8snkbite]

:haha:

[Alloy Dave]

Little Johnny was in class one day. The teacher said "We're going to play a game. I have something behind my back, and it's red, and edible. If you guess what it is, you get a prize."

Johnny feverishly waved his hand in the back row, but the teacher refused to call on the naughty kid. Instead she called in Little Debbie. Debbie said "Is it an apple?"

The teacher removes the item from behind her back and shows the class "No, it's a tomato, but I like the way you're thinkin' "

The teacher says "OK, now I have something behind my back that's yellow, and it's also edible."

Again, Johnny was nearly coming out of his chair waving his hand...but the teacher called on Shlbylvr. "Is it a banana?"

The teacher removes the item from behind her back and says "No, it's a squash. But I like the way you're thinkin' "

Just then Johnny stands up, reaches his hand deep in his pocket and says "Hey teach, I got somethin' in my pocket and it's round and hard and it has a head on it."

The teacher said "Johnny, you're a bad little boy. Go to the Principal's office right now."

Johnny removes his hand from his pocket and holds it up. "No, it's just a quarter....but I like the way you're thinkin' "


:boxing:

[68fastback]

:haha:

[rickf73]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

[rickf73]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

[Stew]

:hilarious:

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

Kids will say the darnedest things.

[ati]

An old prospector shuffled into town

Leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood
there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man,

Have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did
dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you
old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old
man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started
hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing,

fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the
saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun,

and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very
slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said,

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's a$$?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've
always wanted to."



There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Johnny Dangerously]

:hilarious:


`

[rickf73]

VIVE LA FRANCE

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French
Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France
previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for
inspection," replied the snide inspector.

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival
in France," corrected the Frenchman with barely concealed contempt.

The American near-octagenarian gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on
D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any f@#king Frenchmen to show it to."

[rickf73]

A guy is driving across country trying to get home for Christmas. As he passes through Mississippi he sees a Nativity Pageant and notices the three wise men are dressed as firemen.
He stops and asks, "Hey--why are you guys dressed up like that?" to which the biggest bubba replies, "You Yankees sure are dumb. It says right here in the song that three strangers came from afar."

[rickf73]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues, "When
we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you
say something with a$$." The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in! his room and
shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be
Cheerios

[Johnny Dangerously]

:rofl3:


`

[Joe G]

:hilarious:

[ati]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

[rickf73]

Weight Loss Plan



Tim calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, Tim takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, Tim finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, Tim weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

Tim calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman Tim has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and Tim does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when Tim weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

Tim decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when Tim opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

Tim lost 63 pounds that week.

[HSURB]

Weight Loss Plan



Tim calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, Tim takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, Tim finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, Tim weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

Tim calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman Tim has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and Tim does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when Tim weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

Tim decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when Tim opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

Tim lost 63 pounds that week.

Did you intentionally change the name in this joke? :haha:

HSURB®

[rickf73]

Yep. :grin:

[Little Debbie]

:rofl:

[68fastback]

:rofl: ...now dats funny!














...even the mental images of Tim running :haha:












...guess I'll be running now ...well... :crutch:

[68fastback]

At a fancy Jerusalem hotel no baithing suits are allowed in the lobby... :shades:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glLhnTv2g5s :haha:

[Alloy Dave]

Do you know what snails do when they have a disagreement?














wait for it....















they slug it out

[Joe G]

Do you know what snails do when they have a disagreement?

wait for it....

they slug it out

:groan:

[68fastback]

:groan:





...you know why there are no criminal snails?





















...they're easy to catch because...















....wait for it...











...slimey criminals always leave a trail...

(and they're really slow too :rofl3:)


:haha:

[onecrazydog]

http://www.break.com/index/theres-no-point-arguing-with-an-ibex.html

[68fastback]

http://www.break.com/index/theres-no-point-arguing-with-an-ibex.html

:rofl3:

...and they can scratch their own butts (http://www.break.com/index/ibex-scratches-butt-with-horn.html)! :rofl: (hope he doesn't sneeze :haha:)

[Joe G]

http://www.break.com/index/theres-no-point-arguing-with-an-ibex.html

Reminds me of my one and only interview with AmyB. :nonono:

[68fastback]

When she was a kid she was quite the motivational speaker (http://www.break.com/index/little-toddler-preaching-at-church.html)! ;-)

[HSURB]

When she was a kid she was quite the motivational speaker (http://www.break.com/index/little-toddler-preaching-at-church.html)! ;-)

I think she was inspired by Steve Martin in Leap of Faith. What a hilarious movie.

HSURB®

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnXxUUjAHhk

[68fastback]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[68fastback]

Some punny stuff :shades:

---

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[Joe G]

:groan:

[68fastback]

...2/3 PUn? :giggle:

[Joe G]

:lol: