Jokes

[Joe G]

Funny, but true.


See Carnut, Danny, :birdy: and others here. :look:

[HSURB]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,







'OK old fart,
Time for you to retire.'


The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle

ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'














The young rooster says,


'Beat it: You are washed up

And I am taking over.'









The old rooster says,


'I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'








The young rooster laughs.


'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'









The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.




They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.





He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!



The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch


When he sees the roosters running by.






The
Old Roosteris squawking


And running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,






'Dammit......


Third



gay rooster I bought this month.'



Moral of this

Story? .....





Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -


Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery





Always overcome youth and arrogance!



OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!

There's nothing worse than a gay Rooster.

HSURB®

[Johnny Dangerously]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Congress" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the Congressman.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the Congressman joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

The Congressman reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand, 'stammers the Congressman. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...


Today you voted.'

[68fastback]

:rofl:

[CH53Driver]

:spitcopy:

[68fastback]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.














The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'













While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.













They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.



















The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

:haha:

[68fastback]

This dude (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lV-iP1jSMlI&feature=fvwrel)would be a big winner on that new game show :haha:

[68fastback]

:hilarious:

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...







...wait for it...










"OK, I give up! Where's the f***in' ship?!!"

:haha:

[CH53Driver]

:doh2:

Then the magician ate the parrot. :look:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:


...I hear they're tough to digest...

...and repeat on you. :giggle:

[68fastback]

Check the Oil!!! :giggle:

---

A lot of folks can't understand how we cameto have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
~~~
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC

:haha:

[Birdman]

:spitcopy:

[Joe G]

Would be funnier... if it wasn't so true. :giggle:

[mustang loco]

:spitcopy:

[Black Vert SS]

Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?














































wait for it.......................





































it's called leave it, it's beaver














:haha::haha::haha:

[onecrazydog]

Well, this is a joke so I guess it should go here...

Today,

http://www.onecrazydog.com/pictures/albums/Stuff/34.JPG


:boink:

[CH53Driver]

:doh2:



:canada:

[HSURB]

Well, this is a joke so I guess it should go here...

Today,

http://www.onecrazydog.com/pictures/albums/Stuff/34.JPG


:boink:

Dude, that really, really sucks.

HSURB®

[onecrazydog]

Dude, that really, really sucks.

HSURB®

Yup...

[CH53Driver]

Are you getting nervous about your trip to SF?

[onecrazydog]

Are you getting nervous about your trip to SF?

Excited about the trip, little nervous about the weather... Lol... Won't stop me though... I will throw some sandbags in the trunk if need be!! This snow, if it ever stops, will melt in one or two warm days...

I am getting a more suitable set of tires for the trip, I don't think the half bald F1's are going to cut it... One of our music on hold clients is checking to see what he can get in the same sizes, he can do an alignment at the same time...

My stereo install was supposed to be today, glad I called and took it in two days early!!

I hope it is melted by next Friday, I want to make a day trip to Calgary to test it before leaving for Shelbyfest...

[CH53Driver]

Excited about the trip, little nervous about the weather... Lol... Won't stop me though... I will throw some sandbags in the trunk if need be!! This snow, if it ever stops, will melt in one or two warm days...

I am getting a more suitable set of tires for the trip, I don't think the half bald F1's are going to cut it... One of our music on hold clients is checking to see what he can get in the same sizes, he can do an alignment at the same time...

My stereo install was supposed to be today, glad I called and took it in two days early!!

I hope it is melted by next Friday, I want to make a day trip to Calgary to test it before leaving for Shelbyfest...

Probably a good idea. The F1s suck in any kind of cold weather, especially if they're half bald.

[Joe G]

We might get snow here this weekend too.

:gun:

[onecrazydog]

We might get snow here this weekend too.

:gun:

:doh2:

[Joe G]

I know! :doh2:

I need to get crackin' on the last of my mods before SF. :crazy:

[CH53Driver]

I know! :doh2:

I need to get crackin' on the last of my mods before SF. :crazy:

A snow plow?

[Joe G]

A snow plow?

:yes:



:nonono:

[CH53Driver]

:yes:



:nonono:

You need to get out of your igloo more often.










:sofa:

[Joe G]

You need to get out of your igloo more often.










:sofa:

I'm trying, but I can't even see out of the windows yet!! :rant:


http://www.erh.noaa.gov/cle/wx_events/Blizzard78/blizzard/blizpic2.jpg

[CH53Driver]

:giggle:

OCD is going to have a long road trip.

[onecrazydog]

:giggle:

OCD is going to have a long road trip.

Not anymore, bring on any weather!!

http://th02.deviantart.net/fs30/PRE/f/2008/151/1/1/Ford_shelby_4x4_by_Justflikwalk.jpg

[CH53Driver]

Not anymore, bring on any weather!!

http://th02.deviantart.net/fs30/PRE/f/2008/151/1/1/Ford_shelby_4x4_by_Justflikwalk.jpg

:rofl3:

[CH53Driver]

I see JT's been out popping some wheelies again. Must be getting ready for Easter. :look:
5509

[Joe G]

Not anymore, bring on any weather!!

http://th02.deviantart.net/fs30/PRE/f/2008/151/1/1/Ford_shelby_4x4_by_Justflikwalk.jpg

:woohoo:


:censored: the snow! The DOG will make it to Shelbyfest no matter what! :chirp:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: gotta git me one o'dem Shelby hi-riders! :rofl3:

[tekheavy]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smokes" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:


"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched
the clock He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of
relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"


He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[Joe G]

:ohsnap:

[Joe G]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't F*ck with Mom when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

[Shlbylvr]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't F*ck with Mom when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

:haha:

[68fastback]

They walk among us :doh2: ...funny and well-written too...

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=5627&d=1304179458

[Joe G]

:surprised:

[Joe G]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He **** near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his p*nis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[68fastback]

:haha:

:logical: :rofl3:

[Black Vert SS]

That's right!

So don't mess with me!

[Joe G]

That's right!

So don't mess with me!

:bsflag:

[ati]

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[Black Vert SS]

:bsflag:

I'm sorry, what did you say

There's something in my ear!

[Shlbylvr]

I'm sorry, what did you say

There's something in my ear!

remove the wax.







:sofa:

[Birdman]

The Haircut


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

[Birdman]

Why Italians pass their guns down to the next generation

An old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

[68fastback]

:rofl3: :haha:

[68fastback]

Old, but still funny ;-)

---

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a commercial plane,
but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.


The mechanics correct the problems, document
their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.





P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

:haha:

[Birdman]

Old, but still funny ;-)

---

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a commercial plane,
but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.


The mechanics correct the problems, document
their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.





P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

:haha:



Dan I remember this joke from a long time ago and it still buggs me because of it's opening line. :nonono:"Remember it takes a college degree to fly a commercial plane
but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of who fly routinely in their jobs"


I have to take acception to this statement as it implies that beyond high school there is no schooling required to be a certified aircraft mechnic capable of working on a commercial aircraft. In fact it takes many years of training and schooling for a person to become a FAA certified mechanic. Anyone who has any sense (something they don't/can't teach in college BTW) would have to understand that .

BTW I love the joke itself I just think the opening statement by the author is at best 'snobbish, disingenuous and insulting' to all those who have worked hard and achieved their FAA powerplant and airframe licences.....something I know a little bit about first hand. sorry for the rant couldn't help myself....

[68fastback]

Dan I remember this joke from a long time ago and it still buggs me because of it's opening line. :nonono:"Remember it takes a college degree to fly a commercial plane
but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of who fly routinely in their jobs"


I have to take acception to this statement as it implies that beyond high school there is no schooling required to be a certified aircraft mechnic capable of working on a commercial aircraft. In fact it takes many years of training and schooling for a person to become a FAA certified mechanic. Anyone who has any sense (something they don't/can't teach in college BTW) would have to understand that .

BTW I love the joke itself I just think the opening statement by the author is at best 'snobbish, disingenuous and insulting' to all those who have worked hard and achieved their FAA powerplant and airframe licences.....something I know a little bit about first hand. sorry for the rant couldn't help myself....

Funny you should mention that because it bothered me enough that I was going to remove that part when I posted it but just pasted it from an email. It just seemed derogatory and didn't add any context to the cute quips.

[CH53Driver]

5847584858495846


:patriot::canada:

[68fastback]

From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this story. (Only the Irish could think of this).
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into
it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer,
having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the
man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said Paddy , truly proud of himself. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy! :haha:

[rickf73]

:haha:

[King Cobra]

:rofl3:

[Tommy Gun]

:rofl3:

[Alloy Dave]

Three Germans walk into a schnitzel bar.....











:look:

[68fastback]

:rofl3:

...and they all said:

Ow!!! Who lowered that **** schnitzel bar! :rant: :haha:

[Gr8snkbite]

What's funny is this thread was started by norm....:haha:

[68fastback]

:rofl3: Who? :haha:

[Joe G]

:rofl3: Who? :haha:

:iagree:

[Birdman]

Ah, the Italians...

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the
bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having
to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Then the employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?'

The Italian replied: 'Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!

[Tommy Gun]

:doh2:

[Tommy Gun]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.




Nice thread iDad.


Post another one. :popcorn:








....this is the joke thread.

[68fastback]

Ah, the Italians...

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the
bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having
to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Then the employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?'

The Italian replied: 'Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!

:haha:

[Birdman]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.



So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks..

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up andasks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The moral of the story.....Don't mess with seniors especially when they are trying to sleep....:haha:

[JTB]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.



So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks..

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up andasks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The moral of the story.....Don't mess with seniors especially when they are trying to sleep....:haha:

:rofl3:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

[Birdman]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.



5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.



7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.



9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.



11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.



13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go in to Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Joe G]

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.


:goodpost:


:fishing: :gulp:

[68fastback]

lol ...those are great, George!! :wtg:

[Birdman]

lol ...those are great, George!! :wtg:

:uwelcome:

[Birdman]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Boston, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go pick her up."




:haha:

[Joe G]

:hilarious:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: bada-bing!

[CH53Driver]

:giggle:

[Shlbylvr]

:haha:

[Gr8snkbite]

:haha: :haha:


Now that's funny George.....

[Alloy Dave]

Anyone want to hear some wood jokes? :haha:

[68fastback]

Oak-A :giggle:

[Joe G]

Oak-A :giggle:

:groan:

[Joe G]

Anyone want to hear some wood jokes? :haha:

:waiting2:

[68fastback]

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk replies, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The guy scratches his head and says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.

He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The guy pauses for a minute and says, "I better go check." After a while, he returns to the office and says,


"A long time. We're gonna build a house." bada-bing :haha:

[Shlbylvr]

:haha:

[Joe G]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[68fastback]

:rofl3: diet water :banana:

...

9) ...put in your sig on TS: Hurry! Buy Now! Don't wait! Carroll told me when he turns 90 he's not going to engineer or assemble any more GT500s :

:haha:

[68fastback]

Gotta love Will Rogers.

(now I know why Carnut is so wise :biggrin:)

---

Will said . . .









"Never squat while wearing your spurs"
http://us.mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f479798%5fAPXTi2IAAWwdTjAz1QrPmHiA sL8&pid=1.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1


Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the




greatest humorists and political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:




.
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.





2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.





3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.




Neither works.




4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


5. Always drink upstream from the herd.


6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.


7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it

and put it back into your pocket.


8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence

and find out for themselves.


9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


10. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then

to make sure it's still there.


11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.


12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.

He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

,

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying

about your age and start bragging about it.



Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.



Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.



Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,

think of Algebra.


Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.



Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.



Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging

is that it's such a nice change from being young.



Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.



Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.



Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,

it was called witchcraft.

Today it's called golf.



And, finally ~

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,

you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

[68fastback]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him. :haha:

[Joe G]

Yeah... I heard you can really move when needed, Danny. :shades:











:sofa:

[CH53Driver]

Question: What was the last thing that went through Osama Bin Laden's head?




























Answer: His face!

[Orf]

Not really a joke, but they can't make me believe sleep apnea has anything to do with this...

Local News Link (http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2011/08/10/sleep-apnea-in-women-linked-to-thinking-problems/)

:hiding:

[68fastback]

Yeah... I heard you can really move when needed, Danny. :shades:










:sofa:


:spitcopy:

...they call me the streak :haha:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtzoUu7w-YM

[Joe G]

:yikes:


I do NOT want to see you streak!!

[68fastback]

...maybe the ones who could still think clearly left the study :haha:

...also not clear what's the chicken and what's the egg. Overweight people have much higher incidence of vascular, heart and other organ diseases. Overweight people also have a much higher incidence of sleep apnea because obesity makes it harder to breath when the roof of the mouth closes the back of the throat while sleeping and causes snoring ...and oxygen deprevation, etc.. But is sleep apnea causing those conditions or are those conditions causing sleep apnea or are they mutually and destructively synergistic. My guess is obesity is the number one casue of both sleep apnea and a host of other ailments that conspire to reinforce one another ...unfortunately.

[68fastback]

:yikes:


I do NOT want to see you streak!!

...it's a relief to know that, Joe :giggle:

[Joe G]

...it's a relief to know that, Joe :giggle:

:uwelcome:








... but Heidi might. :weg:

[Shlbylvr]

:uwelcome:








... but Heidi might. :weg:

:hey2: I'm going to Heidi Might :boink:you....

[Joe G]

:hey2: I'm going to Heidi Might :boink:you....

:woohoo:


:bunny:

[68fastback]

One liners... ;-)


* I just got back
from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.



* I've been in love
with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill
me!



* What are three
words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm
home!"



* Someone stole all my
credit cards but I won't bereporting it. The
thief spends
less than my wife did.



* We always hold
hands. If I let go, she shops.



* My wife and I went
back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in
the bathroom and cried.



* My wife and I went
to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea
.



* She was at the
beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack
and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


* The Doctor gave a
man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him
another six months.



* The Doctor called
Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered,
"So did my arthritis!"



* Doctor:"You'll live to be60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor:"See! What did I tell you?"

bada-bing :grin:

[68fastback]

I always liked Carson ...watched him just about every night since I was old enough to be up that late -lol- and even before then when my parents thought I was asleep. I was bummed when he retired. I always appreciated his sense of humor and skilled delivery. He was a master, imo.

Saw this clip from the '80s and immediately remembered it from when it first aired. It's just one of hundreds he'd done over the years but it's amazing how he could present political humor without ever taking a side or making it specific to an indivisual. It was always about the humor. Anyhow, thought you'd enjoy...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKgmScYcK6g&feature=related

[Joe G]

:rofl2:


There won't be another one like Johnny, that's for sure. :sad2:

[onecrazydog]

http://www.onecrazydog.com/pictures/albums/Rehosted/Stupid%2520Terrorist_thumbnail.jpg

[Joe G]

:spitcopy: :goodpost:

[CH53Driver]

:giggle:

[rickf73]

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:


* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

* "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

* "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

* "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

[Boston Mike]

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:


* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

* "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

* "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

* "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

Get my pm??

[rickf73]

Get my pm??

Yep, get mine?

[Boston Mike]

Yep, get mine?

Yep, PM'd you back.......:shades:

[Shlbylvr]

Those are funny...

[rickf73]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." :monkey:

[Joe G]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." :monkey:


:spitcopy:


OMG... I'm dying here!!

[Shlbylvr]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." :monkey:
:haha:

[68fastback]

:hilarious: ...I'll admit that joke shouldn't be so funny ...but it is :haha:

[Joe G]

:hilarious: ...I'll admit that joke shouldn't be so funny ...but it is :haha:


.... it's even funnier if you imagine the baby with Mikey's face. :rofl2:

[68fastback]

...are there really pink monkeys?!! :yikes:












:haha: ;-)

[68fastback]

...oh, no! There are! :rofl3:

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=6885&d=1315886823

[onecrazydog]

http://www.onecrazydog.com/pictures/albums/Rehosted/expendability.jpg

[CH53Driver]

:giggle:

[Birdman]

http://www.onecrazydog.com/pictures/albums/Rehosted/expendability.jpg


Hopefully McCoy....:rofl3:

[68fastback]

:wtg: ;-)

[onecrazydog]

Hopefully McCoy....:rofl3:



Are you out of your Vulcan mind?

[rickf73]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[Shlbylvr]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

:haha: a Livingston Parish Classic..

[rickf73]

:yes:

[Birdman]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


Remind me not to go hunting with you.......:rofl3:

[CH53Driver]

Remind me not to go hunting with you.......:rofl3:

:goodpost:

:rofl3:

:look:

[HSURB]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.


You're cracking me up!!!!!!!

HSURB®

[onecrazydog]

Little johnny lives on a farm and he gets up one sat morning and asks his mom for some breakfast.
His mom says " You have to do your chores first, so go milk the cows , feed the pigs and the chickens, and then you can have breakfast".
Johnny protests and says " But I'm hungry now!!"

After a few minutes of arguing, Johhny finally gives in. After feeding the cows, johnny looks around , then kicks one of the cows. After feeding the pig, he looks around, and kicks one of the pigs. Then after feeding the chickens he kicks one of the chickens. He then runs back inside and says " Mom, I'm done, where's my breakfast?".

His mom puts a bowl of dry cereal in front of him. Johnny says "where's the milk and bacon and eggs?"

Mom says "I saw you kick the cow so no milk, then I saw you kick the pig so no bacon, and then I saw you kick the chicken so no eggs".

During their heated argument, Johnny's dad comes down the stairs and trips over the cat. He turns around and kicks the cat.
At that moment, Johnny turns to his mom, and with a big smile, says "Do you want to tell him or should I?"

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

[Joe G]

:ohsnap2:



:haha:

[rickf73]

:haha:

[Shlbylvr]

:haha:

[Gr8snkbite]

:haha:

[HSURB]

Little johnny lives on a farm and he gets up one sat morning and asks his mom for some breakfast.
His mom says " You have to do your chores first, so go milk the cows , feed the pigs and the chickens, and then you can have breakfast".
Johnny protests and says " But I'm hungry now!!"

After a few minutes of arguing, Johhny finally gives in. After feeding the cows, johnny looks around , then kicks one of the cows. After feeding the pig, he looks around, and kicks one of the pigs. Then after feeding the chickens he kicks one of the chickens. He then runs back inside and says " Mom, I'm done, where's my breakfast?".

His mom puts a bowl of dry cereal in front of him. Johnny says "where's the milk and bacon and eggs?"

Mom says "I saw you kick the cow so no milk, then I saw you kick the pig so no bacon, and then I saw you kick the chicken so no eggs".

During their heated argument, Johnny's dad comes down the stairs and trips over the cat. He turns around and kicks the cat.
At that moment, Johnny turns to his mom, and with a big smile, says "Do you want to tell him or should I?"

This happens to me all the time.

HSURB®

[Alloy Dave]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

---

:hilarious:

A black guy, a white guy, a Christian, a
Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What can I
get you, Mr. President?"

:haha:

[Joe G]

:spitcopy:


I'd give you more rep points for that one if I could, Danny! :rofl3:

[Shlbylvr]

:haha: rep points..

[68fastback]

:tiphat2: ...thanks ;-)

[Alloy Dave]

A President walks into a bar. The bartender says "Are you a Christian, a Muslim, a Black, a White, or a Communist?"

The President says "Yes".


:look:

[68fastback]

:giggle:

[68fastback]

Why some dogs are not considered hunting breeds:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUA56zyuJCI :haha:

[68fastback]

Dave will like these :shades: ;-)



If people from Poland are called
Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called
Holes?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a pig loses its voice, is it
disgruntled?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why
is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a
racecar is not called a racist?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here
to help others, then what exactly are the others here
for?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and
clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians
can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree
surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS
were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee
breaks?'


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the
driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed
their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese
mothers use. Toothpicks?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals
up in the Post Office?What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for
them while they deliver the mail?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn
to swear until you learn to drive?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of
her nose?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever
happened to Preparations A through G?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you
ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS'
together, it spells 'THEIRS'?

[onecrazydog]

Dear Dodge,

http://thatwillbuffout.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/funny-car-photos-dear-dodge-not-the-same.jpg

[CH53Driver]

:giggle:

[68fastback]

:wtg: :goodpost:

[Joe G]

Dear Dodge,

http://thatwillbuffout.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/funny-car-photos-dear-dodge-not-the-same.jpg:logical:

[68fastback]

Bob:

(be sure to watch past the initial credits :giggle:)


http://vimeo.com/25845008

[Joe G]

:haha:

[68fastback]

...is that Carnut's weird uncle Bob? :haha:

[68fastback]

KEEP THE GRAY MATTER
ACTIVE









1. Johnny's mother had three
children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What
was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he
is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he
weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest
mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures
two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language
is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a
wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9.
If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place
would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg
are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5
haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks
would he have if he combined them all in another field?





V V V V V V V






Here are the
Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. Thefirst child was named April. The second
child was named May. What wasthe third child's name?

Answer:
Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet
ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he
weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what
was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just
wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How
much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four
feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the
English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer:
Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is
always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the
Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man
with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden
leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name
in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on
...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd
place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well,
you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to
say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is
white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become
one big stack.

:haha: ...I fell for many of them :rofl3:

(sorry for the formatting ...it won't let me erase the blank lines)

[Alloy Dave]

I got most of them right....after reading the answers. :hilarious:

Here's one for ya...


THere once was a beggar, the beggar had a brother, the brother was blind, the blind man died, what relation was the beggar to the man that died? Hint: It's not his brother.

[68fastback]

I got most of them right....after reading the answers. :hilarious:

Here's one for ya...


THere once was a beggar, the beggar had a brother, the brother was blind, the blind man died, what relation was the beggar to the man that died? Hint: It's not his brother.

:rofl3:

..well... (sounding like Reagan here -lol) ...if it's not his brother, it must be his sister ...only two genders (unless s/he was a hermaphrodite :haha:)

[68fastback]

Hickory, dickery, doc
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one.






V V V






The other two got away with minor injurues :hilarious:

[Shlbylvr]

Hickory, dickery, doc
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one.






V V V






The other two got away with minor injurues :hilarious:

:haha:

[68fastback]

To
my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just
want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford -150 when I
turned into the driveway.


Fortunately not too bad
and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was
coming home and when Iturned into the driveway
I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the
brake.


The garage door is
slightly bent but the
Ford
F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your
Ferrari.




I missed our
bikes.

I am really sorry, but
I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive
me.



You know how much I
love you and care for you my sweetheart.


I am enclosing a picture
for you.


I cannot wait to hold
you in my arms again.



Your loving wife.....
















V V V V V









V V V V V









V V V V V













V V V V V





















http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7212&d=1318649493 :yikes:




Oh, P.S: Your
girlfriend phoned !!!!
:haha:

[Joe G]

:surprised:


I hate when that happens.

[68fastback]

...hate when this happens too :haha:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBLh7z1iBYo&NR=1

[68fastback]

...and oldie but a goodie :giggle:

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7253&d=1319078385 :rofl:

[Shlbylvr]

...and oldie but a goodie :giggle:

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7253&d=1319078385 :rofl:

:haha:

[Birdman]

good one Dan it usually is in the fuel system...:giggle:

[Shlbylvr]

*note to self: Never ask men for relationship advice*

[Birdman]

*note to self: Never ask men for relationship advice*

Why? We get right to the bottom heart of things :popcorn:

[Shlbylvr]

Why? We get right to the bottom heart of things :popcorn:

Right, sure you do..

[Birdman]

Right, sure you do..

:innocent:

[68fastback]

:biggrin:

[CH53Driver]

*note to self: Never ask men for relationship advice*


Why? We get right to the bottom heart of things :popcorn:


:biggrin:

I'm surprised Dan hasn't started a Mass Air Flow dialogue yet. :shades:

[Birdman]

I'm surprised Dan hasn't started a Mass Air Flow dialogue yet. :shades:

Most women don't have any problems with Mass air flow.....just sayin...:blahblah:

[Shlbylvr]

Most women don't have any problems with Mass air flow.....just sayin...:blahblah:
:hey2:

[Birdman]

:hey2:

:tiptoe:

[Joe G]

Most women don't have any problems with Mass air flow.....just sayin...:blahblah::logical:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

[CH53Driver]

Most women don't have any problems with Mass air flow.....just sayin...:blahblah:

http://stangsunited.com/images/smilies/new%20smilies/smilieslevel1/LOLspit.gif

[Alloy Dave]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.


P.S. that joke was from Terry. :look:

[68fastback]

bada-bing! :rofl3:

...oldie but a goody. (the joke, the *joke* ...not Terry 1234 :nonono:)

---

Why don't sharks eat Lawyers?

Professional Curtesy!! :giggle:

[68fastback]

A paraprosdokian sentence consists of two parts where the first is a figure of speech and the second an intriguing variation of the first. They're used typically for humorous ordramatic effect. Enjoy these!

- Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag
you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- Going to church doesn't make you a
Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt
you. But it's still on the list.
- If I agreed with you we'd both be
wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn
how to act in public.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a
fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- The early bird might get the worm, but
the second mouse gets the cheese.
- How is it one careless match can start
a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Dolphins are so smart that within a few
weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and
throw fish.
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said
I was blaming you.
- Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign
of a bad memory.
- You don't need a parachute to skydive,
but you do need one to skydive again.
- The voices in my head may be fake, but
they have good ideas!
- Hospitality is making your guests feel
like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
- I scream the same way whether I'm about
to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go,
others whenever they go.
- There's a fine line between cuddling
and holding someone down so they can't get away.
- You're
never too old to learn something stupid.

[Alloy Dave]

A guy goes into a department store to apply for a job as a salesman. The manager says they have no openings, but the guy persists.

"I’m the best salesman you’ll ever know. I’ll make you a deal. You let me work for free today, and if by the end of the day you’re not happy, I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again.”

The manager thought this was fair, so he assigned him to Sporting Goods. The manager came back at the end of the day, keyed his password into the register to check the sales, and nearly fainted when he saw that they new employee had sold nearly $40,000 worth of equipment in one day!!!

He asked the guy how he did it. The guy said “Well, a guy was asking about worms, so I suggested some of our designer glow worms that attract more fish. Then I asked him about the rod he was using, and suggested he upgrade to a carbon fiber rod that’s easier to cast. Then I asked him where he was going to fish, and when he said off the pier, I told him there’s no way he should be doing that with all this new equipment…he really needed one of our PowerMarine speed boats with the 180 HP engine.

The manager said “So let me get this straight. A guy came in to buy worms, and you sold him $40,000 worth of fishing equipment including a boat?”

The employee stated that actually he came in with his wife to buy some feminine hygiene products…and he said to him “well, as long as you’re not gonna be doin’ anything the next 4 days, you might as well go fishin’”

[Joe G]

:spitcopy:


Good one Davey!

[Birdman]

Wow what a salesman ....:rofl3:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: good one, Dave!

[HSURB]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.




:haha::haha::haha::haha:

[68fastback]

...a blast from the past! :spitcopy:

[Alloy Dave]

A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first ! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next !" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me." Poof ! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

:banghead:

[Birdman]

:rofl3:

[68fastback]

:lol:

[Shlbylvr]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.


The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:


Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'


The lady can't take
this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.


'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"


'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..


$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

[Joe G]

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

I owe you $10 then.

:rofl2:

[Shlbylvr]

I owe you $10 then.

:rofl2:
:webers:

[Alloy Dave]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[Joe G]

:spitcopy:

[Alloy Dave]

:spitcopy:
I've been drinkin' tonight. :haha:

[Joe G]

I've been drinkin' tonight. :haha:I can tell. :lol:

[Alloy Dave]

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

[Birdman]

That there is not funny Dave ^^.....nothing a little duct tape couldn't cure though...LOL

[mustang loco]

....nothing a little duct tape couldn't cure though...LOL

lolll, that's a good one Dave

[68fastback]

:lol: ...that's funny!

[Alloy Dave]

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, The other is getting oral sex from an 85 year old woman.

They are each thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking about?



Wait for it.....

























wait for it..................













wait for it.....











Don’t look down!

[HSURB]

Dave, these are brutal.

HSURB®

[ati]

New car announcement

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! New models are initially fun to own, but very expensive to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially have curb appeal (low price) but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Not expected to reach collector status... best to lease one and replace each year.

[Shlbylvr]

New car announcement

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! New models are initially fun to own, but very expensive to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially have curb appeal (low price) but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Not expected to reach collector status... best to lease one and replace each year.

:hey2:

I'm sure said car would glad be traded for a new "owner" annually.

[ati]

:hey2:

I'm sure said car would glad be traded for a new "owner" annually.
:tiptoe:

[Shlbylvr]

:tiptoe:
:hug:

[Alloy Dave]

Last night I made love to my wife four times," Joe bragged, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me."

"Last night I made love to my wife six times," HSURB replied," and today she said she could never love another man."

Dave remains silent, and the Joe smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," says Dave.

"Only once?" HSURB snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?"




"Don't stop."

[Gr8snkbite]

:haha:









viagra working overtime.....:giggle:

[Shlbylvr]

You may need to see a doctor!!!

[CH53Driver]

You may need to see a doctor!!!

:yes:

A sudden drop in blood pressure may lead to an unsafe condition...

:look:

[Birdman]

Last night I made love to my wife four times," Joe bragged, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me."

"Last night I made love to my wife six times," HSURB replied," and today she said she could never love another man."

Dave remains silent, and the Joe smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," says Dave.

"Only once?" HSURB snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?"




"Don't stop." .............and then I woke up from my dream.......and so did they...



:haha:

[Joe G]

:haha::angry:

[Birdman]

:sofa:

[Shlbylvr]

:yes:

A sudden drop in blood pressure may lead to an unsafe condition...

:look:

The drop in blood pressure might be due to increased blood pressure in a certain part of the anatomy.

[Alloy Dave]

The drop in blood pressure might be due to increased blood pressure in a certain part of the anatomy.
My sundial is at high noon. :look:

[Joe G]

My sundial is at high noon. :look:Too bad its 11pm. :nonono:






:lol:

[Birdman]

My sundial is at high noon. :look:

Sorry to hear that Davey....guess that means you can only be at your 'peak'...... in the daytime and only at 12:00 noon ....





:giggle:

[Alloy Dave]

Sorry to hear that Davey....guess that means you can only be at your 'peak'...... in the daytime and only at 12:00 noon ....



:giggle:
Once a King, always a King, but once a knight is enough. :look:

[68fastback]

The Best Smart Ass
Answers



SMART ASS ANSWER
#6

It was mealtime during an airline
flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated
in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for
the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a
beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock
boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as
the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting
for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here
as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the
bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are
backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his
car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got
stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I
ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR


A college teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his
hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly
at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the
bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's **** near perfect.

[Alloy Dave]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her brother…
”Spit it out, it's an a**hole!

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: (<=what the parents then did :haha:)

[Joker]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white Male, in a pumpkin patch 12:01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public Intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a Pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around", he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.

"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor."I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? ****, is it midnight already?' "

This was in the Washington Post. The title of the article was 'Best Come BackLine Ever'.

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: ...bada-bing! ...good one ;-)

[CH53Driver]

:spitcopy:

[68fastback]

Paddy McCoy,
an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work &
Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the
statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interviewthem.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he askedPaddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.


There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hourday, does 90% of the work,
earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskyand, as a special treat,
occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy. :haha:

[ati]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for an entire month."



The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon..Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
The third week, however was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust
and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Lowe's anymore, either."






























--

[CH53Driver]

:giggle:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: ...clean-up on aisle-3 :haha:

[Shlbylvr]

:haha:

[Alloy Dave]

I had heard most of the acronyms for cars, such as FORD = First On Race Day, FIAT = Fix It Again Tony, etc....but I met a guy last weekend who owned a JEEP. :haha:


Just Empty Every Pocket :haha:

[68fastback]

:haha: :wtg:

[Birdman]

11 things Men say and what they really mean........funny stuff



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgJvM_TZjf8&feature=watch_response_rev

[Birdman]

9 things Women say and what the really mean...:haha:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OOD7VwGmdk&feature=player_embedded

[Cobra Drifter]

Not as good as the top 10 things a guy says but still lol

[Birdman]

In case you didn’t already to know how…




HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started......
________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage,

turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....
_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started. :haha:

[Joe G]

One year, I decided to buy my motherfather-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy herhim a gift.

When shehe asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started......
________________________________


Fixed it for my situation. :shades:








:haha:

[Joe G]

Saturday morning TG got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

He hooked up the track turd up to the F150EB and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50mph, so he pulled back into the garage,

turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

He cuddled up to CP's back; now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

His loving wife of 20 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out on the track in that?"

And that's how the fight started....
_______________________________



Fixed for what CP told me happened last time TG tried to go to VIR.



:tiptoe:

[Joe G]

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started. :haha:

You hit Keith?

:wow2:







:tiptoe:

[CH53Driver]

:goodpost:


:giggle:

[Birdman]

Fixed it for my situation. :shades:








:haha:


Fixed for what CP told me happened last time TG tried to go to VIR.



:tiptoe:


You hit Keith?

:wow2:







:tiptoe:


:hilarious:

[Joker]

How men think????


As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full oftears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heartbegan to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

[Joker]

The Power of Alcohol!

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes inand informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boytakes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .. Swoooosh!Plip!Plop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Takeanother drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Twolegs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,


*





*



(Wait for it.)





*





*




*



(It's coming.)




*




*

(Ya ready?)





*





*




*(Don't hate me!)





*



*





*(Yer gonna hate me!)




*




*




*(Take a deep breath)




*





*





*

" He should've quit while he was a head!"

[Joe G]

" He should've quit while he was a head!":groan:


Oh.. and where can you drink when you turn 18??

[68fastback]

How men think????


As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full oftears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heartbegan to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."


:spitcopy: I read this out loud so Jan could hear it too...

...and we both almost fell off the couch :hilarious: :rofl3:

[68fastback]

The Power of Alcohol!

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes inand informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boytakes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .. Swoooosh!Plip!Plop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Takeanother drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Twolegs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,


*





*



(Wait for it.)





*





*




*



(It's coming.)




*




*

(Ya ready?)





*





*




*(Don't hate me!)





*



*





*(Yer gonna hate me!)




*




*




*(Take a deep breath)




*





*





*

" He should've quit while he was a head!"

:haha: :haha: :haha:


:groan:


Oh.. and where can you drink when you turn 18??

...used to be 18 ...which meant 17 at local bars if you just had a couple :rolleyes: ...drinks were $0.50 then :yes: <sigh> ::biggrin:

[edit:] ...and :nonono: that was *not* 1890 :haha:

[Joe G]

......and we both almost fell off the couch :hilarious: :rofl3:

Did you blame it on Jan for being bad luck?

:look:











:rofl3:

[Joe G]

...used to be 18 ...which meant 17 at local bars if you just had a couple :rolleyes: ...drinks were $0.50 then :yes: <sigh> ::biggrin:

[edit:] ...and :nonono: that was *not* 1890 :haha:


Jeeze!

Did you have to wear 6-shooters to ward off the Clanton gang at the bar when Wyatt Earp wasn't there? :pullguns:













:lol:

[68fastback]

Jeeze!

Did you have to wear 6-shooters to ward off the Clanton gang at the bar when Wyatt Earp wasn't there? :pullguns:













:lol:

:rofl3: ...that was actually NYC in the '60s ...local bars in Astoria Queens. Of course the same drink in Manhattan was $2.00 ...but you'd get free food at the those places ...like streak sandwiches! :yes: ...ah those were the days! :grin:

[68fastback]

Did you blame it on Jan for being bad luck?

:look:











:rofl3:

:hilarious: Jan didn't think that one was funny -- you're dead meat now, Joe :biggrin:

[Joe G]

:hilarious: Jan didn't think that one was funny -- you're dead meat now, Joe :biggrin:

:ohsnap:



You hold off Jan, and I'll protect you from Deb. :webers:

[68fastback]

..deal :webers: :grin: