Jokes

[68fastback]

Two little kids talking about the school shooting in Oregon their parents were talking about.
"...but why didn't God stop the shooting in the first place?" one protested.
The other scolded: "don't you remember anything? He's not allowed in school now."
:innocent:

[Highwayman]

Wife and husband having the worst argument they ever had in all the years they were married. Wife goes in the bedroom and starts packing her bags. Husband walks in and asks where you going? She says I'm going to Vegas cause I can make $200 for what I give you for free. Husband grabs his bag and starts packing. Wife says where you going? He says Vegas. She asks why you going to Vegas? He answers I want to see how you going to live off $600 a year.

[Carnut]

:rofl:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

[Joe G]

:ohsnap2:


:haha:

[68fastback]

Gotta love lawyers :lol:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.






When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?




Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says, He doesn't know what you are talking about."




The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."




Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the Shed at my cousin Bruno's house."







The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"



The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." :haha:

[68fastback]

Can you cry under water?



How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What disease did cured ham actually have?



How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?




Why are you IN a movie, but you'reON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.



Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!



If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?



I F YOU GO TO HEAVEN AND HAVE WINGS, WHAT IF YOU'RE SCARED OF HEIGHTS?

[68fastback]

Summary of Life


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize
a cat.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let
her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5) The best place to be when you're sad is
Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE
LEARNED:


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge, mostly sweet, with a
few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut
that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on
the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal
for the fiber, not the toy.






GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is
optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else
you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same
sensation from a rocking chair that you once
got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age
comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
...or so rumor has it :haha:

[Alloy Dave]

Three couples were on vacation together and the men were talking one night about their sexual prowess.

Each one was saying they were going to go home tonight and have sex with their wife multiple times. Each one was bragging they could do it more times than the next one. They agreed that the next morning at breakfast they would all tell how many times they'd had sex.

One guy, Joe, said "But our wives will be with us, we can't talk about it with them here."

Dave, the smart one, said "Let's just say we'll order our breakfast, and the number of slices of bread we order will be how many times we had sex."

Joe, the third guy, liked this idea....so it was agreed.

The next morning they met for breakfast. Joe went through the line, and the chef asked "what would you like for breakfast". Joe replied "I'll have eggs, bacon, and 3 slices of toast"...winking at his friends. Then Dave went through the line and said "I'll have pancakes, bacon, and 5 slices of toast"....and he winked at Joe, who was last in line.

Finally, Joe went through the line and said "I'll have 8 slices of toast, 5 of them white bread and the other three dark."

[68fastback]

The Art Collector's Wife

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

[Tommy Gun]

14900

[68fastback]

:rofl3:

[Alloy Dave]

God created Adam. Adam says "I need something to make me whole". So God created woman. He said "This will be your completion. She will complete your soul, your heart, and your mind. I will put her on every corner of the Earth."


And then....

























God made the Earth round.

[68fastback]

:lol:

[68fastback]

New disease spreading ... :shades:

---

I am sorry that I have not been very responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctor informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic White House Fatigue (PIST-AWF). For those of you who do not know what that is; PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious. January, 2015 - Doctors at the CDC released a statement disclosing a new disease that has already infected over half of the United States and is anticipated to continue to spread. The disease itself affects the cells of a person's entire body then goes dormant. The disease ravages the body and leaves serious side effects. These side effects have been labeled as PIST-AWF.

Symptoms include:
* Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing your president pander to Muslim terrorists.
* Uncontrollable heartburn at 8:00 PM during the O'Reilly factor.
* Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.
* Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.
* Bleeding from the eyes. This is not Ebola. It is your eyes reacting to accidentally flipping to a channel that shows Al Sharpton as a legitimate news show host.

If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic War Fatigue (PIST-AWF ), please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure. It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available in November of 2016. :rofl3:

[Alloy Dave]

A guy walks into a butcher shop. He asks the butcher "Are you a gambling man?"

The butcher says "Well yes I am"

So the guy says "I'll bet you $50 you can't jump up and touch that beef hanging on that hook up there."

The butcher says "No way, I'm not betting on that."

The guy says "But I thought you were a gambling man."

The butcher replied "I am, but the steaks are too high."

:look:

[68fastback]

bada-bing! :haha:

[68fastback]

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15099&stc=1

:rofl3:

[68fastback]

A guy takes his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several
of her friends and former school mates, the two are sitting at a table,
where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up. People are
beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor, living it large:
break-dancing, moon-walking, back-flips, buying drinks for people. The
works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years
ago, he proposed to me; and I turned him down! Husband says: "Looks like
he's still celebrating!!! :spitcopy:

[Alloy Dave]

:wow2:

[Carnut]

...........and then she hit me.

[Joe G]

...........and then she hit me.

Hope she didn't crush what was in her purse when she did. :yikes:

[Carnut]

:tease2:

[68fastback]

Out of the mouths of babes.....

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
_____________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_____________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir; It's the same dog.
___________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher?

:haha:

[68fastback]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)

King David (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)

(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)

Sasha Guitry (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
Anonymous (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)

Dumas (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
Sigmund Freud (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)

(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
Red Skelton (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)

Sam Kinison (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)

James Holt McGavra (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)

Patrick Murray (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
Nash (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to. (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
Anonymous (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met. (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
Henny Youngman (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
Rodney Dangerfield (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)






A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
Anonymous (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)







(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)



(http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)

















First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)
Anonymous (http://www.facebook.com/TheBilcoCompany)




:haha:

[68fastback]

A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. The wife said "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm in the "Hooters" restaurant next to that." :haha:

[Joe G]

A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. The wife said "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm in the "Hooters" restaurant next to that." :haha:

HSURB always was a romantic. :rolleyes:

[68fastback]

:rofl3:

[Alloy Dave]

good one Dan, I'll be using that one.

[68fastback]

:wtg:

Got that from the very first person I worked with in 1966 at Big blue :banana:

[Joe G]

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/3238483/Chinese_sick_leave.jpg

[Joe G]

Sorry Danny and Carnut. :nonono:


https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/12359916_1037636639590189_7251644196238463879_n.jp g?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=dd427cace7fc2ede9f9b7cf29bdd7ba9&oe=56D74CF8

[68fastback]

Poor Keith ;-(

.
.
.
:rofl3:

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15134&stc=1

[68fastback]

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/3238483/Chinese_sick_leave.jpg

:spitcopy: :rofl2:

[Carnut]

:wtg:

Got that from the very first person I worked with in 1766 at Big blue :banana:

You can remember stuff from back then?

[68fastback]

You can remember stuff from back then?

:spitcopy: :boink:

I remember it well -- 1766 started on Wednesday on my Gregorian calendar but it was a Sunday on my Julian calendar -- so darn confusing! :yes:

[Carnut]

:spitcopy: :boink:

I remember it well -- 1766 started on Wednesday on my Gregorian calendar but it was a Sunday on my Julian calendar -- so darn confusing! :yes:

Ben and you drinking that night?

[68fastback]

Ben and you drinking that night?

Yeah, he looked like put his finger in an outlet ...except he wouldn't know that.

[Joe G]

You can remember stuff from back then?

:goodpost: :haha:

[HSURB]

The best Irish joke in a long time …

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'****' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'oh bloody ****!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi' Jesus… I'm in bloody trouble,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No bloody way....'

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says '**** it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?'


'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Joe G]

:spitcopy:


(shades of Timmy @ Shelbyfest :giggle:)

[68fastback]

The best Irish joke in a long time …

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'****' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'oh bloody ****!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi' Jesus… I'm in bloody trouble,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No bloody way....'

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says '**** it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?'


'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

:rofl2:

[Joe G]

Not really funny but....



Optimist: 'The glass is half full'

Pessimist: 'The glass is half empty'

Engineer: 'The glass is twice as large as it needs to be.'

Obama: 'Nobody needs that much water'

[68fastback]

...I'm the gov't ...gimme half that water :lol:

[Carnut]

...I'm the gov't ...gimme half that water :lol:

And here are 25454188 new regulations for the rest of it.

[68fastback]

And here are 25454188 new regulations for the rest of it.

...even for disposing of it :rofl3:

[68fastback]

A touching story :yes:

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15228&stc=1


Isn't that Tim's third wife?:haha:

[Joe G]

Isn't that Tim's third wife?:haha:

:yes:

She was a ball buster for sure. :ballchain:

[Tommy Gun]

15246

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: :wtg:

[Carnut]

:giggle:

[68fastback]

Well, this isn't exactly a joke :shades:

---


How the Internet Came to Be

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent? And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

This is how it all began. And that's the truth.

I would not make up this stuff. :innocent:

[Tommy Gun]

:groan:

[Tommy Gun]

15276

[Carnut]

Well, this isn't exactly a joke :shades:

---


How the Internet Came to Be

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent? And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

This is how it all began. And that's the truth.

I would not make up this stuff. :innocent:



















Ummmm...................if you say so.

[Joe G]

Ummmm...................if you say so.

:iagree:



:doh2:

[68fastback]

:biggrin:

[Alloy Dave]

I am confident that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky.



Because if it had been invented in any other state, it would have been called the teethbrush.

[Carnut]

I am confident that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky.



Because if it had been invented in any other state, it would have been called the teethbrush.

Don't go to Kentucky for awhile.

[68fastback]

THIRTY-ONE THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR SOUTHERN BOYS SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

30. Oh I wouldn't dare; she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.

26. We don't keep no guns in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a **** who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too **** big.

11. I've got it all on the CaRIVE

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima iced down for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate!

6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite football team.

3. Yous Guys.

2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Daisy Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Hillary Campaign!

[Alloy Dave]

THIRTY-ONE THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR SOUTHERN BOYS SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

30. Oh I wouldn't dare; she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.

26. We don't keep no guns in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a **** who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too **** big.

11. I've got it all on the CaRIVE

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima iced down for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate!

6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite football team.

3. Yous Guys.

2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Daisy Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Hillary Campaign!

I wouldn't go to the south for awhile.

[Joe G]

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15306&stc=1

[68fastback]

Yee haw! :rofl3:

[68fastback]

A widow and widower who had been friends for some time after the deaths

of their respective spouses had decided to get married as they enjoyed

each other’s company and immensely disliked being alone.



Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation

regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of

their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather

tentatively. "I would like it infrequently", she replied. The old gentleman

sat quietly and reflected on her answer for a few moments, adjusted his glasses,

then leaned over towards her and whispered: "Is that one word or two?" :banana:

[Tommy Gun]

:ohsnap:

[68fastback]

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the WorkingClass.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep sh!t.'

Smart kid! :haha:

[68fastback]

Complicated science made simple:

In Chaos Theory, the butterfly effect is the name given to the sensitive connection between initial conditions in which an insignificant event in one state in non-linear systems, can result in sometimes catastrophic events in the universal state. In other words, although unlikely, it is possible for a butterfly flapping its wings in Texas to cause a typhoon in the Japanese Sea.

Case in point, in mid-20th Century America..... an 18 year old hippie freshman in a Honolulu college had sex with an older, alcoholic Kenyan on a student visa, who had a wife and child back in Africa.

And this less than significant event started the collapse and dissolution of the United States of America.

Yup...........just saying !!

:rofl3:

[Alloy Dave]

One day God looked down in the Garden of Eden, and he saw Adam. Adam did not look very happy. So God said to him, "Adam, what is wrong?". Adam said, "I'm lonely". So God thought for a minute, and he said...

"Adam, you deserve a companion. So I will create one for you. I will call this companion woman. She will be your friend, she will cook wonderful meals for you, she will give you love and passion whenever you desire, she will wash your clothes and fold them for you, she will laugh at your jokes, tell you how smart you are, and never nag you or disagree with you."

Adam said "wow, that sounds great, how much will this woman cost me?"

God said "An arm and a leg"

Adam said "Wow, that's kinda steep...can I get something for a rib?"

[onecrazydog]

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a ****in' checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a ****in checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no **** problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a ****in' checking account in this **** bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this b.itch is giving you a hard time?"

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

[68fastback]

Scientific breakthrough! :banana:

---

COPPER COATED MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS ISIS TERRORISTS TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO ALLAH!




The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to ALLAH.

It comes in various sizes; generally from .223 to .50 caliber.

:haha:

[Joe G]

Scientific breakthrough! :banana:

---

COPPER COATED MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS ISIS TERRORISTS TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO ALLAH!




The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to ALLAH.

It comes in various sizes; generally from .223 to .50 caliber.

:haha:






http://www.quickmeme.com/img/4a/4abcf06f84721b0b1f0e4bc40bc7b61ad0d44431af82debd87 5cc2357b714f83.jpg

[68fastback]

:wtg:

[68fastback]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to turn for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. ...What a guy!

:haha:

[Joe G]

:spitcopy:


:goodpost:

[Alloy Dave]

Did you hear about the midget that escaped from prison and they caught him as he was scaling down the outer wall of the prison?

It was a little condescending.

[68fastback]

:lol:

[Joe G]

:groan:

[Carnut]

:waiting2:

[Alloy Dave]

If you shoot a mime, do you have to use a silencer?

[68fastback]

:groan: ;-)

[Highwayman]

It's a little long to read but well worth it

http://i877.photobucket.com/albums/ab337/eldemya/What%20a%20Guy%20is%20Really%20Thinking_zpssznsklq e.jpg (http://s877.photobucket.com/user/eldemya/media/What%20a%20Guy%20is%20Really%20Thinking_zpssznsklq e.jpg.html)

[Alloy Dave]

I thought it was going to say ....

"15 minutes later he came to bed, and told me that Syracuse won by 4 points...he seemed fine after that." :hilarious:

[Carnut]

Wow. Sounds like life around here.

[68fastback]

:rofl3:

[68fastback]

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=16063&stc=1
:lol:

[Joe G]

I think I've seen that posted here the other day. :look2:

[Highwayman]

I think I've seen that posted here the other day. :look2:

I thought the same thing, but looking back I can't find it

[CH53Driver]

So did the lawyers get thrown off the train? :look:

[68fastback]

I think I've seen that posted here the other day. :look2:


I thought the same thing, but looking back I can't find it

I thought so too but then couldn't find it either ...must be poltergeists -lol


So did the lawyers get thrown off the train? :look:

:lol:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEV2mwNTkIs :rofl3:

[Joe G]

I thought the same thing, but looking back I can't find it

:groan:

http://stangsunited.com/showthread.php?8383-Funny-Pics&p=342067&viewfull=1#post342067

[68fastback]

A piece of string walks into a bar...

He goes to the bar tender and asks for a beer.

"We don't serve beer to string"

The string asks again...

"I already told you, we don't serve beer to string"

So, the piece of string goes into the bathroom. He frays his hair and ties a knot in himself.

He returns to the bar and asks a 3rd time.

"Hey, weren't you the piece of string that was just out here?"

No, Sir...I'm afraid not.

[bada bing] :spitcopy:

[Joe G]

:groan:

[68fastback]

:rofl3:

Davey will like that one ;-)

[Alloy Dave]

:rofl3:

Davey will like that one ;-)
Heard that one a million times.


Here you go....

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

[68fastback]

:smart: :rofl3:

[Alloy Dave]

Why do ducks fly over Kentucky upside down?
Cause there's nothing worth crapping on. :look:


Why did Kentucky raise the drinking age to 25?
They wanted to keep the alcohol out of high schools.


Why do Kentuckians keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped spots.


What happens when a blonde moves from Indiana to Kentucky?
Both states get smarter.

[68fastback]

:lol:

Actually Kentucky is a beautiful state!

[68fastback]

This is funny as heck -- except it isn't intended to be!

Darn "Deer Crossing" signs!! :haha:

---


https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/CI8UPHMzZm8?rel=0

[68fastback]

This is funny but not a joke -- it's an absolutely true piece of trivia about Neil Armstrong that only revealed the significance of in 1995

---


IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA...

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.




HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,

"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED AND DECLINED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING WAS QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr. GORSKY TO NEIL ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.


HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":


IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

"SEX? YOU WANT SEX? YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

:haha:

It, naturally, broke the place up!

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY HAS CONFIRMED THAT THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

[Joe G]

TG is still hoping the kid next door goes to Mars so he has a shot at CP soon. :look:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: ...there's always the back of the van :weg: :rofl3:

[68fastback]

Points of Wisdom...



The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.



My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.



My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 lbs I've gained since then. :spitcopy:



I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"



The speed with which a woman says "nothing", when asked "What's wrong?", is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that's coming.



Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday ... your life sucks!



If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need, not all this "How did you get into my house" business!



The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.Pretty sure she's going to get me something.



On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week.Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.



I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor".



I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.



What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?



Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!



The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because nobody was married.Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course, Opie -- all single.The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Hmmm :logical: :rofl3:

[68fastback]

You Might Live In a Nation...

By Jeff Foxworthy:







If plastic water bottles are okay, but plastic bags are banned, — you might live in a nation (state) that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots WE DO LIVE IN SUCH A DUMB COUNTRY!!





If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.




If you have to get your parents' permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.




If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.





If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.




If, in the nation's largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.




If an 80-year-old woman who is confined to a wheelchair or a three-year-old girl can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.




If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.




If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is "cute" but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.




If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.




If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.




If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more "safe" according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

[Alloy Dave]

A man sticks his head in the door of a small single-employee barbershop and asks when the first opening is for a haircut. The barber responded “About two hours”.

The guy immediately leaves. The barber thought this was strange, so he asked his friend Tek to follow the guy and see where he was going.

About 30 minutes later Tek returns to the barbershop. The barber says “Well, where did he go when he left here?”

Tek said “to your house”.

[Alloy Dave]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: “Get your Parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end”

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular stories about spilled milk and water under the bridge. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

“Ernie, do you have a story to share?”

”Yes ma'am.. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Lois. She Was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.”

”She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Stay the hell away from Aunt Lois when she's been drinking.”

[68fastback]

Little Larry...


A new teacher was trying to make
use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing up
there all by yourself



Larry watched, fascinated,
as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'



The math teacher saw that Larry
wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Larry!
what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN
and the Cartoon Network!'



Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
Larry pointed to a picture
and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman.
'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Larry asked,
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "




Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump,
and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad,
why are you doing that?' His father replied,
'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that
they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad,
I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

[68fastback]

Here's a real one from our just turned six year old grandson:

M: Grandpa, will you remember me after a week?

G: Of course, M, I'll remember you always!

M: ...after a month?

G: ...of course!

M: ...after a year!?

G: Of course -- I'll remember you forever!

M: Grandpa, knock, knock.

G: Who's there?

M: Grandpa, you forget me already?!

:haha:

[Joe G]

Here's a real one from our just turned six year old grandson:

M: Grandpa, will you remember me after a week?

G: Of course, M, I'll remember you always!

M: ...after a month?

G: ...of course!

M: ...after a year!?

G: Of course -- I'll remember you forever!

M: Grandpa, knock, knock.

G: Who's there?

M: Grandpa, you forget me already?!

:haha:


He knows how old you are. :rolleyes:




:giggle:

[68fastback]

This is no joke but it's funny in an odd sort of see-something-say-something way :giggle:

It proves the only thing that might be as threatening as a terrorist to some (ok, a blonde -lol) is...

...wait for it....

...math. :rofl3:

Article... (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/rampage/wp/2016/05/07/ivy-league-economist-interrogated-for-doing-math-on-american-airlines-flight/)

[Joe G]

This is no joke but it's funny in an odd sort of see-something-say-something way :giggle:

It proves the only thing that might be as threatening as a terrorist to some (ok, a blonde -lol) is...

...wait for it....

...math. :rofl3:

Article... (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/rampage/wp/2016/05/07/ivy-league-economist-interrogated-for-doing-math-on-american-airlines-flight/)Yeah, just read that tonight.

Not good... But of course making Granny in a wheelchair nearly strip naked during "random" checks by Homeland Security is hardly "fair" either. :rolleyes:

[68fastback]

Yeah, just read that tonight.

Not good... But of course making Granny in a wheelchair nearly strip naked during "random" checks by Homeland Security is hardly "fair" either. :rolleyes:

:logical: ...unless you're wearing a burka then religious rights somehow trumps all :doh: :rolleyes:

[Highwayman]

Since I really do see this as being a joke I figured this is the best place to put this.

:yikes: A thousand dollars?!?! For a hundred dollar tent with Shelby stuff on it... oh and two "Free" chairs

http://www.shelbystore.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=Z88-10X10TENT

Oh and it does qualify for free shipping too :spitcopy:

[Joe G]

Since I really do see this as being a joke I figured this is the best place to put this.

:yikes: A thousand dollars?!?! For a hundred dollar tent with Shelby stuff on it... oh and two "Free" chairs

http://www.shelbystore.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=Z88-10X10TENT

Oh and it does qualify for free shipping too :spitcopy:


:but: if it said "Snap On" and was GREEN, OCD would order 2. :look:




:giggle:

[Highwayman]

What if it said Snap On but was BLACK?

http://www.gousaproducts.com/listing_detail.php?id=291430035719&title=Snap+On+Tools+Canopy++E-Z+Up+10x10+Enterprise+95th+Anniversary+Tent%2C+NEW

[Joe G]

What if it said Snap On but was BLACK?

http://www.gousaproducts.com/listing_detail.php?id=291430035719&title=Snap+On+Tools+Canopy++E-Z+Up+10x10+Enterprise+95th+Anniversary+Tent%2C+NEW

FASTEST color!! :drool:

[Alloy Dave]

Since I really do see this as being a joke I figured this is the best place to put this.

:yikes: A thousand dollars?!?! For a hundred dollar tent with Shelby stuff on it... oh and two "Free" chairs

http://www.shelbystore.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=Z88-10X10TENT

Oh and it does qualify for free shipping too :spitcopy:
I just pitched a tent.

[Gr8snkbite]

TMI.....

[68fastback]

Since I really do see this as being a joke I figured this is the best place to put this.

:yikes: A thousand dollars?!?! For a hundred dollar tent with Shelby stuff on it... oh and two "Free" chairs

http://www.shelbystore.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=Z88-10X10TENT

Oh and it does qualify for free shipping too :spitcopy:

:lol:
:wow2: Expensive licensing! Oh, wait ...it's SAI! :haha:

[Highwayman]

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a church in Detroit I decided to go and check them out.

I sat down and good ol' Al Sharpton came up to me. He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty you will walk today!"
I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by, grabbed my hand, and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today."
Again, I said there's nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my car had been stolen!

[68fastback]

:rofl3: I like that one!

Didn't you post it once before? :shades:

[Joe G]

Didn't you post it once before? :shades:

Maybe he had 2 car stolen by them?

[68fastback]

Maybe he had 2 car stolen by them?

:rofl3: ...could be! :shades:

[Alloy Dave]

I only know 25 of the 26 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

:look:

[68fastback]

:groan: lol

[68fastback]

Old Man And The Beaver













An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...





















The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'







I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.







"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
















The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.







"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
















One day he was setting off to go hunting.







In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."







"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..











He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.







Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."







"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.








Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.







The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."







The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

:haha:























No, Joe, :wasntme: :rofl3:

[Joe G]

:sneaking:

[68fastback]

:lol:

[68fastback]

Why she got divorced...

---



Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said,
'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,
'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead aquiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'



After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake,
followed by my husband,
my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there....

on the couch....






naked!!
:rofl2:

[Alloy Dave]

:ohsnap:

[Joe G]

:birthday: :moon: :look:

[Shelby-Don]

Happy birthday Keith !

[68fastback]

Found on Facebook:

Yesterday a Chinese fighter "Buzzed" a US reconnaissance plane over the South China sea. Secretary Kerry warned the Chinese, In the strictest Obama "red line" foreign policy manner: If they did that again, we would have a meeting, to determine the likely hood of looking into the possibility, of asking our advisers, if we should think about the course of action we might take, to make the very drastic move of telling them we thought they were being "Meanies".

And if that doesn't work Obama will just unfriend them!

:hilarious:

[Alloy Dave]

Who designed the round table for King Arthur?



Sir Cumference.

[68fastback]

Who designed the round table for King Arthur?



Sir Cumference.

:groan: ;-)
...didn't he also invent apple pi? :rofl3:

[68fastback]

Ok, stick with this one to the end -lol


Humorous too since I received this from a friend who is a retired Fortune-10 Director of Human Resources -- probably came to him ...in a nightmare. https://s.yimg.com/ok/u/assets/img/emoticons/emo30.gif














Dear sir,

I have a Benefit Question.

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times,and he fell in love with my step-daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.

My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,
Mohammed






THE ANSWER:


Of course you qualify Mo!

I have arranged to start mailing checks to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in the United States.

Welcome to your new home my son,


Barack Obama



:haha:

[Joe G]

:groan:

[Joe G]

It is the first night in the White House after Hillary Clinton has been sworn in as the nation's first woman president, and she gets visited by the ghosts of three past presidents.

Her first visitor that evening was none other than the ghost of our very first president, George Washington. Hillary does not know what to do or say, and stumbles around a bit before saying, "What a great honor it is to meet you President Washington. Tell me, how can I best serve The People?"

President Washington replies, "Always tell the truth."

Hillary hangs her head and says to herself, "Oh my. I am not sure if I can do that..."

Next up, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears to her. Once again, Hillary stammers a bit, and then finally asks him, "President Jefferson, how can I best serve The People?" To which Thomas Jefferson replies, "Listen to what The People are saying."

"Ouch!" Hillary thinks. "I'm not sure I can do that either..."

Finally, the third ghost of the night appears, Abraham Lincoln. Hillary is floored like any Great American would be, and says, "What an honor it is to meet you President Lincoln! I am just such a big fan!"

And then she asks him the same question that she has asked her other two visitors, "How can I best serve The People?"

President Lincoln looks at her and furrows his brow and says, "Go to the theater!"

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: :wtg: :rofl3:

[68fastback]

Good news for golfers!!

Following the FBI report on Hillary...

There will no longer be a penalty stoke for hitting a ball into the water or out of bounds.
The USGA , the R&A, the PGA, after a private meeting with FBI Director Comey, have recommended that your opponent must prove that you intended to hit the ball into these hazards in order for there to be a penalty.

Carelessness or ignorance is not intent.



No intent ... no penalty stroke. :haha:

[68fastback]

HISTORICAL FACT

Who says building a border wall won't work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago

and they still don't have any Mexicans.

I rest my case!

:haha:

[Joe G]

:logical:

[68fastback]

Olympic commentator blunders they probably wish they could take back :haha:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[68fastback]

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I am voting for Trump."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE TRUMP SUPPORTER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!

:haha:

[68fastback]

My Favorite Animal


My name's Johnnie and I'm sever years old.


Our teacher asked me what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."


She said I wasn't funny; but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.


I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.


He said they love animals very much.


I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.


I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.. Then he told me not to do it again.


The next day in class my teacher asked me what live animal was my favorite.


I told her it was chicken. She asked me why; so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.


She sent me back to the principal's office.


He laughed and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.


Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.


I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the f--- I am now...

:haha:

[Alloy Dave]

:nonono:

[Tommy Gun]

Did you know that one out of three Hillary supporters is as stupid as the other two?

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

[68fastback]

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,

And every year Ed would say,

" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied,

" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,

" Norma, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Norma replied,

" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."



Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Norma fell out,

But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! " :rofl2:

[Joe G]

... and that's how HSURB got rid of Wife #2. :wtg:

[68fastback]

:faint: :webers:

It's freaky how we think the same!!!!! ...I was going to rewrite it for that but would have had to make Tim too old! :haha:

[Alloy Dave]

A guy is stuck on a deserted island in the Pacific....for 10 years. He is very lonely.

One day, a beautiful woman in a wetsuit walks up out of the lagoon, looks him in the eye, and says "Do you want a cigarette?"

The man says in amazement "You have cigarettes?"

The girl unzips a small pouch on her left bicep and hands him a dry cigarette, then proceeds to light it for him. The man is in heaven.

After he's done smoking, she says "Would you like a cold beer?"

His eyes open wide and he says "You're kidding, you have beer?"

She unzips a pouch on her thigh and pulls out an ice cold Coors light.

The man guzzles it down, enjoying every drop.

THen the girl begins unzipping her suit from the neck down...as she looks him in the eyes and says ... "Do you want to play around?"

His eyes almost fall out of the sockets and he says excitedly "You have golf clubs in there?"

[HSURB]

:faint: :webers:

It's freaky how we think the same!!!!! ...I was going to rewrite it for that but would have had to make Tim too old! :haha:

I could make it work.

HSURB®

[68fastback]

I could make it work.

HSURB®

:lol:

[Joe G]

:faint: :webers:

It's freaky how we think the same!!!!! ...I was going to rewrite it for that but would have had to make Tim too old! :haha:


:webers:

We really don't know how old Timmy is. Coors Light acts like the Fountain of Youth to some. :look:

[Joe G]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v605/nippr/web%202/siezures_zpsggkg5iu1.jpg

[68fastback]

Looks darn good for 70 :spitcopy:

[Alloy Dave]

A guy is stuck on a deserted island in the Pacific....for 10 years. He is very lonely.

One day, a beautiful woman in a wetsuit walks up out of the lagoon, looks him in the eye, and says "Do you want a cigarette?"

The man says in amazement "You have cigarettes?"

The girl unzips a small pouch on her left bicep and hands him a dry cigarette, then proceeds to light it for him. The man is in heaven.

After he's done smoking, she says "Would you like a cold beer?"

His eyes open wide and he says "You're kidding, you have beer?"

She unzips a pouch on her thigh and pulls out an ice cold Coors light.

The man guzzles it down, enjoying every drop.

THen the girl begins unzipping her suit from the neck down...as she looks him in the eyes and says ... "Do you want to play around?"

His eyes almost fall out of the sockets and he says excitedly "You have golf clubs in there?"
Good one, rep points.

[68fastback]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir.”

Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close.”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price."

:spitcopy: . . . :spend: . . . :chirp:
:haha:

[Joe G]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir.”

Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close.”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price."

:spitcopy: . . . :spend: . . . :chirp:
:haha:


And that's how HSURB met wife #5.

[68fastback]

:lol:

[68fastback]

God and Saint Peter we talking on the possibility that Bill Clinton might once again occupy the White House if Hillary wins. They felt an 11th Commandment might be necessary. They worked long and hard to hammer out the most effective wording to convey their concerns while still being consistent with the original Ten Commandments. After many hours they agree on the following:

Thou shalt not use thy rod on thy staff. :haha:

[Joe G]

I'd substitute "Cliff" in this joke. :haha:


http://i.imgur.com/820uYan.png

[68fastback]

:rofl3:

[Joe G]

:haha: I'm still dyin' here!

[68fastback]

I don't know if these Darwin Awards are actually current. I recognize about half of the 'contestants' (lol) as real news stories but not from 2016.

Still, some funny stuff :lol:

---

THE 2016 DARWIN AWARDS:

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:




Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.




Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.




Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.




Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.




Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.




Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.




HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.




RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.




AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... '**** happens'




IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

[Joe G]

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


I read recently where 2 Dufi were eliminated from the gene pool after doing the same thing.... with a semi-auto pistol.

:doh2:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: ...even the gene pool needs a 'skimmer' :giggle:

[Alloy Dave]

I don't know if these Darwin Awards are actually current. I recognize about half of the 'contestants' (lol) as real news stories but not from 2016.

Still, some funny stuff :lol:

---

One of them died in 1997....

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=48982635

[68fastback]

Wonder if that's where they get them from.

[Alloy Dave]

Probably a repeat...but....


Obama are smartBarack Obama meets with the Queen of England and asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns and asks, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room and says, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles and says, "Answer me this please, Tony ~ Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question ~ "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."

He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asks Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy ~ It's me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, he goes back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No!, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Alloy Dave]

Confuscious SayMan who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is Left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in Basement
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs
Crowded elevator smell different to midget

[Alloy Dave]

D&mn Church

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this d&mn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this d&mn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There IS no d&mn problem!," the man says. "Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the d&mn lottery and I want to join this d&mn church to get rid of some of this d&mn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b!tch giving you a hard time?"

[68fastback]

...good ones ...still funny! ;-)

[Joe G]

:lastweek: ... But still :lol:

[Alloy Dave]

ok, how about this one....

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, Your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.

[68fastback]

:hilarious: good one, Davey!

[Alloy Dave]

:webers:

[68fastback]

http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/funny-short-jokes-5.jpg

[68fastback]

http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/funny-short-jokes-4.jpg :rofl3:

[68fastback]

Excusez-moi -- merci :rofl3:

http://boredomtherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/stupid-jokes-6.jpg

[68fastback]

...whose the fairest of them all? :lol:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-48zDRdwty-E/T2MdnoTHiQI/AAAAAAAAArI/5ln0RuVd-b0/s1600/Funny-girls-makeup-jokes.jpg

[68fastback]

:doh: ;-)

http://www.veryviral.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/corner-934x.jpg

[68fastback]

...wonder if they served cable-braid bread :shades: ...maybe it was high fiber! :groan:

http://www.veryviral.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/11.jpg

[Alloy Dave]

http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/funny-short-jokes-4.jpg :rofl3:I only counted 46. :look:

[68fastback]

I only counted 46. :look:

:lol:

[Joe G]

:groan: that's 5 minutes I'll never get back! :rant:

[68fastback]

:groan: that's 5 minutes I'll never get back! :rant:

:lol: I did warn: bad jokes for Davey :giggle: :innocent:

[Joe G]

:lol: I did warn: bad jokes for Davey :giggle: :innocent:

:banghead: I don't read back.

[Alloy Dave]

How do fish get high?


Seaweed

[68fastback]

:banghead: I don't read back.

:lol:


How do fish get high?


Seaweed

:groan: ;-)

[68fastback]

Some puns for lexophiles :shades: Dave will like the ones that are 2/3rds pun :biggrin:


• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

[Joe G]

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Unless you're Carnut, Danny or Art. :hide:

[68fastback]

:hey2: ...hopefully lasts! :grin:

[Joe G]

...hopefully lasts! :grin:
:webers:

[68fastback]

:biggrin:

[68fastback]

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene inthe United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for religious reasons.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough a$$es to fill the stable.

:logical: :lol:

[68fastback]

Trump transition team reportedly viewing recent Summer Olympics vids...

...checking record pole vault heights for Mexico :haha:

[Alloy Dave]

Trump transition team reportedly viewing recent Summer Olympics vids...

...checking record pole vault heights for Mexico :haha:And spelunking records. :shades:

[68fastback]

:lol:

[Alloy Dave]

Pick up lines

· Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
· If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
· Are you Google? Because I've just found what I've been searching for.
· Your hand looks heavy. Let me hold it for you.
· If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
· Even if there wasn't any gravity on earth, I would still fall for you!
· There's a big sale in my bedroom right now. Clothes are now 100% off!
· Know what's on the menu? Me-n-u.
· Kissing burns 5 calories a minute. How about a workout?
· Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?
· Let's commit the perfect crime: I'll steal you're heart, and you'll steal mine.
· Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
· A boy gives a girl 12 roses. 11 real, 1 fake and he says to her " I will stop loving you when all the roses die"
· If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
· Kissing is a language of love, so how about a conversation?
· I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
· I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
· I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
· I've got skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?
· Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!
· Is your dad an artist? Because you're a masterpiece.
· You're so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.
· No wonder the sky is grey today, all the blue is in your eyes.

[Highwayman]

If I said you have a beautiful body would you hold it against me? (The Bellamy Brothers)

[Joe G]

· Let's commit the perfect crime: I'll steal you're heart, and you'll steal half of my stuff.


Pickup line from HSURB's first 3 marriages? :yikes:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

[HSURB]

Pickup line from HSURB's first 3 marriages? :yikes:


:haha::haha::haha:

[Tommy Gun]

:ohsnap:

[68fastback]

Children Are Quick
______________________________ ______

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________________________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
______________________________ ______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________ _________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
______________________________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

[68fastback]

:wow2: Carnut made $1500 today! :wtg: :giggle:

...an oldie but goodie:

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if

not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,

thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,

" Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick them off!

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.

[Alloy Dave]

true dat

[68fastback]

Chicken Surprise



A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around,before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes,looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies

'Chicken Surprise'




Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,

'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'. :haha:

[Alloy Dave]

:nonono:

[68fastback]

I thought you'd like that one, Dave :grin:

[Joe G]

Danny and Grandma Jan were visiting the grandkids overnight.

When Danny found a bottle of Viagra in his son-in-law's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The S-I-L said "I don't think you should take one Danny, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Danny.

"$10 a pill."

"I don't care. I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the $ under your pillow."

Later the next morning, S-I-L found $110 under the pillow. He called Danny and said, "I told you each pill was only $10, not $110."

"I know," said Danny. "The $100 is from Jan."



:bunny:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: :rofl3:

[Joe G]

:spitcopy: :rofl3:

:webers:

[68fastback]

Please read all 6 lessons in the 5-Minute Management Course:

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak..'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6:


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


:lol: THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

[Joe G]

:iagree: :bigboss:

[68fastback]

:lol: :mafiasmilie: :rofl3:

[Alloy Dave]

Two attorneys were standing at a flagpole trying to measure the height to support their claim of excessive height as part of a lawsuit. They had ladders and tape measures, but were getting nowhere with their measurements. An engineer walks up, sees what they are trying to do, lifts the flagpole out of the holder, lays it on the ground, measures it, writes down the measurement, hands it to the attorneys, and walks away.

The attorneys turn and look at each other and one says to the other...."Typical engineer....we want to know the height and he gives us the length"

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: a classic!

[Alloy Dave]

How do you kill a circus?

[Alloy Dave]

You go for the juggler

[68fastback]

:lol: ...badabing!

[68fastback]

Ringling Bros circus will be no more after this season.
Once they were pressured (and sued) into getting rid of the elephants they ticket sales started a major downturn.
I guess it's true -- kids want to see the elephants!
I remember when I was 4 going to the circus in nYC. Got one of those flip-top circus flashlights. Cool memento. Saved it all these years but disappeared in the move here :-(
RIP Ringling Bros. & Barnum & Bailey Circus after 146 years! :-(

(pretend this is in the RIP thread :haha:)

[Alloy Dave]

HSURB said to his doctor.... "Hey Doc, if I give up Coors light, stripper poles, fast cars, excess women, pizza, and partying, will I live to be 100?"

The doctor replied..."It'll seem like it"

[Alloy Dave]

A doctor was at a party, sipping a drink. Many people approached and introduced themselves, and when they found out he was a doctor...they started telling him about their ailments and asking for medical advice. Finally the doctor met a lawyer, and said to him..."When you meet people out, and they find out you're a lawyer....do they ask you for legal advice?"

The lawyer said "Yes, happens all the time"

The doctor said "What do you do about it?"

The lawyer said "I give them the advice, then send them a bill"

The doctor nodded, realizing this may be a good idea.

So the next morning, the doctor woke up an hour early to go to his office, thinking he could write out invoices for the advice he had given the night before. As he approached his office, he noted an envelope taped to his door. He opened it to find an invoice from the lawyer.

[68fastback]

Jack's watching TV when his wife whacks him in the head with a newspaper. He says "what's that for?" ...she says "I was doing the laundry and found a piece of paper in your pocket with "Laura Lou" written on it. Jack says "oh, that's the horse I bet on -- I won and bought you those Valentine's Day flowers with the winnings. "Oh, I'm so sorry" she said. Next evening Jack comes home from work and she's waiting for him -- whacks him with a frying pan when he walks in the door -- nearly knocked him out cold! "What's that for?" he screams! Your horse called!
:haha:

[Joe G]

Jack's watching TV when his wife whacks him in the head with a newspaper. He says "what's that for?" ...she says "I was doing the laundry and found a piece of paper in your pocket with "Laura Lou" written on it. Jack says "oh, that's the horse I bet on -- I won and bought you those Valentine's Day flowers with the winnings. "Oh, I'm so sorry" she said. Next evening Jack comes home from work and she's waiting for him -- whacks him with a frying pan when he walks in the door -- nearly knocked him out cold! "What's that for?" he screams! Your horse called!
:haha:

:fryingpan:

[Joe G]

:fryingpan:

That reminds me.... need to find that pic of TG and Ruf that he hates. :look:

[68fastback]

This one? :haha:

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=19200&d=1487183928


No, wait...


.

[68fastback]

Or this one?

http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=19201 :rofl3:

[Joe G]

Nope... one with Ruf and the frying pan.

[68fastback]

Hmmm ...let me see...

[68fastback]

Can't find that one! Oh well...

[Tommy Gun]

I dont visit this thread much, but here it goes...



For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2017:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang


.

[Highwayman]

I dont visit this thread much, but here it goes...



For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2017:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang


.

I can see why you don't post here much, please continue not posting :ninja3:

[68fastback]

:rofl3:

[Joe G]

I can see why you don't post here much, please continue not posting :ninja3:

:hilarious:

[Joe G]

Can't find that one! Oh well...

:hiding:


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Snoop/Billfryingpan.jpg (http://s218.photobucket.com/user/JoeG_09/media/Snoop/Billfryingpan.jpg.html)

[Joe G]

Love this one. :haha:


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Snoop/RufBill.jpg (http://s218.photobucket.com/user/JoeG_09/media/Snoop/RufBill.jpg.html)

[Joe G]

And of course gotta relax after a long day... :hide:


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Snoop/Bill-Ruf.jpg (http://s218.photobucket.com/user/JoeG_09/media/Snoop/Bill-Ruf.jpg.html)

[Joe G]

I'm dyin' here!! :rofl:


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Snoop/Billpoolpic.jpg (http://s218.photobucket.com/user/JoeG_09/media/Snoop/Billpoolpic.jpg.html)

[Joe G]

:lol:


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Snoop/Tron_motivator8131991.jpg (http://s218.photobucket.com/user/JoeG_09/media/Snoop/Tron_motivator8131991.jpg.html)

[68fastback]

...a veritable trip down memory lane! :rofl3:

[68fastback]

This isn't a joke but it's still funny :rofl3:

---

The Coyote Principle


CALIFORNIA



The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.



The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.



He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.



He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.



The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.



The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.



The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.



The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.



The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.



PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.



TEXAS









The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.



The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.



The buzzards eat the dead coyote.




And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is thriving. :haha:

[HSURB]

And of course gotta relax after a long day... :hide:


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Snoop/Bill-Ruf.jpg (http://s218.photobucket.com/user/JoeG_09/media/Snoop/Bill-Ruf.jpg.html)

:haha::haha::haha::haha:

[68fastback]

Neither thongs nor bananas were harmed in taking this pic :giggle:


http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=19243&d=1487539617

[Grabber]

Neither thongs nor bananas were harmed in taking this pic :giggle:


http://stangsunited.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=19243&d=1487539617 That's a pretty rough looking bunch

[Grabber]

I'm dyin' here!! :rofl:


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Snoop/Billpoolpic.jpg (http://s218.photobucket.com/user/JoeG_09/media/Snoop/Billpoolpic.jpg.html) is this what they mean by LGBT ?

[68fastback]

Large Gigundo Basketball T...? :haha: