Jokes

[iDadGraphics]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

[Ebony Princess]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

:rofl: ooh rah

[Shlbylvr]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

WTG Marines

[Johnny Dangerously]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
:rofl3:

`

[tekheavy]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

:rofl:

[Joegaz]

A Mexican, an Arab,

and a Arizona girl are

in the same bar.
When the Mexican

finishes his beer,

he throws his glass

in the air, pulls out

his pistol, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico ,

our glasses are so

cheap we don't need

to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously

impressed by this,

drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a muslim!),

throws it into the

air, pulls out his

AK-47, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the

Arab World, we have

so much sand to make

glasses that we don't

need to drink with

the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl,

cool as a cucumber,

picks up her beer,

downs it in one gulp,

throws the glass into

the air, whips out her

45, and shoots the

Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,

setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

she says,

'In Arizona ,

we have so many

illegal aliens that

we don't have to

drink with the same ones twice.'

[Badgirl500]

:hilarious:

[Joe G]

:guns: :bandit:

[Stew]

An oldy, but still a goodie.



An airplane was about to crash.

There were 5 passengers on board, but there were only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of a former U.S. President, a N.Y. Senator and a potential future president. And I am the smartest http://www.gifs.net/animate/moon_5347.gifwoman in American History. America's people don't want me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said "I am the President of the United States of America. I have great responsibilities being the leader of a superpower nation." So he grabbed the next pack and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old school girl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left and as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's OK. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my school bag."

[Gr8snkbite]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

Hoo-Raa....

[GP500SU]

Warning: rated PG-13

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak.....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...
Shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news..

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin.

There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the
pellets.' 'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to
your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a
plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Symphony
Orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss
in your eye.'

[Joe G]

There are 7 phases in a couples sexual realationship:


The 1st phase of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd phase of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner or a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd phase of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th phase of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th phase of sex is called: Religious Sex.
*Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th phase is called Courtroom Sex.
*This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th phase of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
*You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

[Tommy Gun]

I'm ready for Smurf sex. :rofl3:

.

[Joe G]

I'm ready for Smurf sex. :rofl3:

.

CP said you're getting Religious Sex, and you're lucky you're not getting Courtroom sex. :judge:






:rofl2:

[Tommy Gun]

Probably right. :nonono:

.

[Tommy Gun]

So who has Sharun? LOL

[Joe G]

So who has Sharun? LOL

I think Stew has her packed for when he goes back out to sea. :bunny:

[Tommy Gun]

I think Stew has her packed for when he goes back out to sea. :bunny:



:gangbang:



.

[68fastback]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.

I got some call center in friggin Pakistan!

When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited...




























...and asked if I could drive a truck.

:haha: :haha: :haha:

[Tommy Gun]

:groan:

.

[68fastback]

:biggrin:

[Alloy Dave]

Did you hear about the archeologist?

His career was in ruins.

[Tommy Gun]

Hey Dave, what do you call a video of pedestrians?















.








Footage.


.

[Tommy Gun]

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?






If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

[68fastback]

A butcher backed into the meat grinder. He was ok...

...just got a little behind in his work. :shades:

[Tommy Gun]

:groan:


.

[Johnny Dangerously]

3 guys are walking down the sidewalk.

2 of them ran into a bar.

The 3rd one ducked.


`

[Gr8snkbite]

3 gays are walking down the sidewalk.

2 of them ran into a bar. (TG & JoeG)

The 3rd one ducked. (HSURB)


`

".."

[Tommy Gun]

:doh2:

[Tommy Gun]

".."



:trouble:


.

[68fastback]

..



















;-)

[Alloy Dave]

ok all you jokers.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrD0GyFYuxc&feature=related

[HSURB]

Why Sharks Circle You !

Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

[King Cobra]

:spitcopy:

[Johnny Dangerously]

:hilarious:


`

[Joe G]

http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/Fishing.gif


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/smilie_water_099.gif

[Badgirl500]

:haha:

[Alloy Dave]

http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/Fishing.gif


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/smilie_water_099.gif

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z310/1969Dave/Funny/l_b73067bd9b201080a2551e8a76402e3b.jpg

[Alloy Dave]

http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/Fishing.gif


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/smilie_water_099.gif

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z310/1969Dave/Funny/Emotes/hopscotch2.gif

[Alloy Dave]

http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/Fishing.gif


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/smilie_water_099.gif

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z310/1969Dave/Funny/Emotes/hopscotch-1.gif

[Alloy Dave]

http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/Fishing.gif


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/smilie_water_099.gif
http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z310/1969Dave/Funny/Emotes/fishb.gif

[Alloy Dave]

http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/Fishing.gif


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/smilie_water_099.gif

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z310/1969Dave/Funny/Emotes/flowerkick.gif

[Alloy Dave]

http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/Fishing.gif


http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc289/JoeG_09/Emoticon/smilie_water_099.gif

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z310/1969Dave/Funny/Emotes/fishe.gif

[Joe G]

:lol:


Those were good Davey!!

[Alloy Dave]

:tiphat: you started it :rofl:

[68fastback]

Sue and her husband Bill went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Sue went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.


Finally, after allowing this to go on for nearly all off the session
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Sue
to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on
her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately
as her husband Bill watched with a raised eyebrow!


Sue became quiet, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking
in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bill and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bill thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.


:haha:

[Joe G]

:spitcopy:

[Alloy Dave]

:rofl: good one Dan....reminds me of one in my joke book, let me see if I can find it.....

[Alloy Dave]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: good one, Dave!

You have a joke book? Cool!
















Are any of us in it? :haha:

[Alloy Dave]

:spitcopy: good one, Dave!

You have a joke book? Cool!



Are any of us in it? :haha:
:sneaking2:

[Alloy Dave]

Yes, it's not jokes I've written, but ones I've heard (and in some cases tailored) over many years. It's 135 pages long. :boxing:

[68fastback]

:wow2:

My parents had collected just 20-30 classic jokes over the years that my mom typed up ...this was back in the age of mechanical typewriters (actually not all that long ago) ...dunno what happened to it.

I wonder how long and how many variations are needed to circulate before a joke can be considered public domain (if it can be) ...you're collection might potentially be publishable at some point -- dunno.

(that is if books still exist then :haha:)

[68fastback]

Here's a (c) 2004 Wizard of Id cartoon that seems to be gaining timeless status these days :shades:

(:giggle:ok, you can change the party...

...to progressives, or socialists, or marxists, or anything you like ...it's a very versatile cartoon :biggrin:)

2328 :haha:

[GP500SU]

For JTB

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:
"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Ottawa and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city."
Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Ottawa native,
"Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?"
The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Ottawa. I'm coping it just fine."
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the young man jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting:
"The Leafs have won the Cup! The Leafs have won the Cup!"

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

...I'm sure JT will love it :shades:


:biggrin:

[Joe G]

For JTB

The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the young man jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting:
"The Leafs have won the Cup! The Leafs have won the Cup!"

:haha: :hilarious: :haha: :hilarious: :haha: :hilarious: :haha: :hilarious: :haha: :hilarious: :haha: :hilarious: :haha:

[68fastback]

...for Carnut :giggle:


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'










Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'




A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'




Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'




A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[HSURB]

Differences in HIS and HER Diary Entries

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Shelby wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

[Joe G]

His Diary:

Shelby wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

:haha:


That wins post of the day!

[Johnny Dangerously]

:haha:


That wins post of the day!
+1000


`

[Tommy Gun]

Differences in HIS and HER Diary Entries

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Shelby wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.


I told Monkey he should try cleaning the battery terminals again....



.

[Joe G]

I told Monkey he should try cleaning the battery terminals again....

.

:haha:


Post of the day for Friday!

[Tommy Gun]

:rofl3:





:tiptoe:

.

[Boston Mike]

I told Monkey he should try cleaning the battery terminals again....



.

:monkey::sex::weg:

[Tommy Gun]

:doh2:

[68fastback]

Two sisters, one blonde and the other, brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

They see one advertised for sale, but one of them must travel a long distance to see it. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it, but she only has a total of $600. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, a telegram will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. So after a few minutes to think, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word, "comfortable". '

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word, 'comfortable? '

The brunette explains, 'My sister's a blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly....






...'com-for-da-bul'

:hilarious:

[68fastback]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

[Black Vert SS]

good stuff Dan

[68fastback]

:tiphat: ;-)

[Alloy Dave]

Excellent Dan. I like quotes like that...I often use them in presentations and so on at work if I can find one that makes my point.

[68fastback]

...good thinking! I can see a few in there you'd probably *like* to use ;-)

I can see this one getting some use: "I'd like to agree with your but then both of us would be wrong" :rofl3:

[68fastback]

Here's an old Myron Cohen classic (I had to edit the punch line -lol):

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty...
You're crazy to go to Rome ...
So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
"You and million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant."

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really, what'd he say?"





...






He asked me: "Who the f#$% did your hair?"

:haha:

[68fastback]

And That's How The Fight Started... :grin:

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
Kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
Split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
That I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
Care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
Important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
Snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
A short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
Cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
Proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
Pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
Weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
Undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
Different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
Is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
Processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

:haha:

[rickf73]

:rofl2:

[68fastback]

Ok, these aren't jokes, just some sage words of advice from an old farmer (sittin' on his John Deere) ...gotta love it!

---

Old Farmer's Advice

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply,
speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

Oh, one more:
“Don't pick a fight with an old farmer. If he is too old to fight and it's real important to him, he'll just kill you.”

[Alloy Dave]

Since I work in finance, I found this funny...although you may need to be in finance to really get it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCZRqH7sRyA

[68fastback]

...cute! ;-)

---

Math in the schools is changing:


Sixty Years of Math








1950 - 2010 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $2.58. The counter girl took my $3.00 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2010

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


:haha: :rofl: :haha:
(I know, not funny!!!)

[Joe G]

:spitcopy:







(too bad I'm crying inside 'cause it's true :shades:)

[tekheavy]

:spitcopy:

[onecrazydog]

:hilarious:

[Alloy Dave]

http://www2.nbc4i.com/sports/2010/sep/27/nbc-4-viewers-react-spanish-sunday-night-football-ar-242625/

[Joe G]

http://www2.nbc4i.com/sports/2010/sep/27/nbc-4-viewers-react-spanish-sunday-night-football-ar-242625/

Que? :bandit:

[Gr8snkbite]

no habla......:tease2:

[GP500SU]

...cute! ;-)

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


:haha: :rofl: :haha:
(I know, not funny!!!)

[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]

7. Teaching Math In 2011

A logger sells a load of wood for a disgustingly obscene profit of 20 dollars. He pays 80 dollars in tax to the government who redistributes it via community organizers from every man to his need.

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

:rofl:

[Joe G]

5 parachutes

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

[Joe G]

Subject: Obama's dreams



One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barak asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barak isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies: "Go see a play".

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: 2 good ones, Joegie! ;-)

[Alloy Dave]

How does an artist paint a difficult portrait?

Easel-ly

[GP500SU]

How does an artist paint a difficult portrait?

Easel-ly

:doh2:

[68fastback]

:groan:

...that was 2/3 pun :shades:

;-)

[68fastback]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him
out of $10,000.000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.


It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to
testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer,
using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer
tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask
him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried
behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He
says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers?

[Joe G]

Not funny. :bigboss:














:rofl:

[68fastback]

:biggrin:

[Alloy Dave]

what do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?


a piece of *** that'll bring tears to your eyes.

[Alloy Dave]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer called the newspaper office and loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and then she was heard to mutter, "Well, sh*!, that's why no one was at church today."

[68fastback]

:rofl:

[Johnny Dangerously]

:banghead:


:rofl3:


`

[68fastback]

Yep, we need an Italian fron New Jersey for president :rofl3:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avw0n9b2o9U :rofl:

[Joe G]

You said it, Danny. :bigboss:

[68fastback]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."


"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the %^&$#*@ putt, didn't you???

:rofl:

[Alloy Dave]

:doh2:

[Joe G]

:golf: :censored: http://www.manysmileys.com/files/m/pj/v2/mpjv2j3I90301787.gif

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: ==v v v v v
=====http://www.manysmileys.com/files/m/pj/v2/mpjv2j3I90301787.gif


...good smiley story Joegie :rofl:

[Joe G]

:uwelcome:

[Johnny Dangerously]

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Milwaukee and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Brewers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Brewers fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Brewers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Brewers fan, then who do you support?" "I'm a Cubs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain why are you a Cubs fan?" "Because my Mom and Dad are from Chicago and my Mom is a Cubs fan and my dad is a Cubs fan, so I'm a Cubs fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cubs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. what if your Mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a White Sox fan."


`

[Joe G]

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Milwaukee and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Brewers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Brewers fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Brewers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Brewers fan, then who do you support?" "I'm a Cubs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain why are you a Cubs fan?" "Because my Mom and Dad are from Chicago and my Mom is a Cubs fan and my dad is a Cubs fan, so I'm a Cubs fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cubs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. what if your Mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a White Sox fan."


`

:haha:







I'm dyin here. :hilarious:

[68fastback]

:hilarious: :rofl: :rofl: ...good one, JD!!!

[Alloy Dave]

JD...:rofl:

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees two lines of people. There was a sign over each line. The sign on the left line said "Stand here all men who were henpecked by their wives". The line was miles long...he could not even see the end of it. The sign on the right said "Stand here all men who were not henpecked by their wives". One lonely man stood in that line. So the guy walks up to the one lonely guy and asks "I don't understand, why are you standing in this line?"

The guy says....


wait for it....
















"my wife told me to"

[tekheavy]

:doh2:

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: :rofl:

[GP500SU]

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Milwaukee and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Brewers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Brewers fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Brewers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Brewers fan, then who do you support?" "I'm a Cubs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain why are you a Cubs fan?" "Because my Mom and Dad are from Chicago and my Mom is a Cubs fan and my dad is a Cubs fan, so I'm a Cubs fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cubs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a prostitute and your dad was her father, a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan."


`

:wow2:

[Joe G]

:wow2:

:lol:

[onecrazydog]

:rofl3:

[68fastback]

Monastery Life


A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.







He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies!





The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a

good point, my son.'





He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are

held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.





So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing:


'We missed the R ! We missed the R !



We missed the R !'



His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'



With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,



'The word was...







CELEB R ATE !!



:haha: :haha: :haha:

[Joe G]

:weg:


:sex:

[Alloy Dave]

:wow2:
:boink:

:lol:
:boink:

:rofl3:

:boink:

I feel like a Cubs batter swingin' this thing :haha:

[Joe G]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 160 years ago?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

And…There were gunfights in the streets.

So, basically, it was just like it is today, except the women
had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[68fastback]

:rofl: ...good one Joegie

[Johnny Dangerously]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 160 years ago?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

And…There were gunfights in the streets.

So, basically, it was just like it is today, except the women
had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
Yup, it was the same 11 yrs ago too.


`

[HSURB]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 160 years ago?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

And…There were gunfights in the streets.

So, basically, it was just like it is today, except the women
had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

:haha::haha::haha:

[Joker]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 160 years ago?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

And…There were gunfights in the streets.

So, basically, it was just like it is today, except the women
had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Hard to argue with the truth!

[68fastback]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well,
I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away.'

Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

:haha:

[GP500SU]

:spitcopy:

Rep points for that one

[68fastback]

:tiphat2: :biggrin:

[Joe G]

Good one Danny! Luckily I take my own pics. :weg:


http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m442/gmsutton/thSmiley_Camera.gif

[Joe G]

I have some very sad news out of Duluth, Minnesota this morning to sharewith everyone. This will bring about change in North & South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa and parts of Canada. This will bring far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our Midwest heritage and souls.

I must report the tragic news that OLE was SHOT . He was up by the Canadian border on his 4 Wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him.

According to the news reports, the Rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, “ Who are you and what are you doing? ”

OLE shouted back , “...BIN LOGGIN!”

OLE is survived by his wife LENA and good friend SVEN.


Note: You got to be from the Midwest to understand this one.

[68fastback]

:rofl3: ...BIN LOGGIN, eh?

[Joker]

This is something to think seriously about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests,
he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said...
'Then, why do you even give a ****?'

[Alloy Dave]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg-r-S0fIkA

[Joe G]

:groan:

[Alloy Dave]

:look:

[68fastback]

As we approach election day, I thought this timeless Carson skit from 1982 still puts it all in persepctive :haha:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKgmScYcK6g&feature=related

[Joe G]

:spitcopy:


Johnny was the best ever!

[68fastback]

...so true, Joe. I still miss him.

Johnny, RIP.

---

Paraprosdokianisms...

A paraprosdokian (from the Greek meaning 'beyond expectation') is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.



A few good ones.....

* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.



* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.


* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'


* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


* You're never too old to learn something stupid.


* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.


* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.


* I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.


* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


* If we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?


...and a non-humorous one of Indian origin, adopted as an adage in the great depression:
* I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

[Joker]

Email truths!

http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

[Alloy Dave]

Dan, I wrote a poem for my wife and proposed to her....see if it fits....

Paraprosdokianisms...



"My friend, my life,

My love, my life,

My imagination."

[68fastback]

Cool! ...yeah, that sort of fits just fine

---

...from the '50s Doo-Wop oldie Imagination:

Imagination is funny,
it makes a cloudy day sunny,
makes a bee think of honey,
just as I think of you.

[Alloy Dave]

my grandpa used to say...


I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life
It makes the peas taste funny
but it keeps them on my knife

:haha:

[Joe G]

What the h*ll are you two talking about?!? :doh2:

[68fastback]

my grandpa used to say...


I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life
It makes the peas taste funny
but it keeps them on my knife

:haha:

My mom cooks carrots and peas in the same pot

:rofl:


What the h*ll are you two talking about?!? :doh2:

No soap, radio!

:haha:

[68fastback]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter "but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"




"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?






a) Sparrow









b) Thrush,









c) Magpie,










d) Cuckoo?"






"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."








Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.


"Fookin’ hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m fookin’ sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"


The next night, Mick met Paddy at the pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"






...wait for it ;-)






"Because he lives in a Fookin’ clock, ya half-wit!"

:haha: :rofl: :haha:

[Gr8snkbite]

:sneaking2::doh2:

[Johnny Dangerously]

Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.


17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!


24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.






`

[68fastback]

:rofl:




DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
!

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance..

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Boston Mike]

Are you sure that first one shouldn't be Joe and Tim instead of Bill and Larry?

[Little Debbie]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen… Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

[Joe G]

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of MC'scoxafloppin.

Also considered were MC'scoxafailin, MC'sdixadrupin, MC'sdixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, MCbepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for MC to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


:wow2:

[Black Vert SS]

I know What's on LD's mind :doh2:

[onecrazydog]

I know What's on LD's mind :doh2:

Now let's see if MC gets the hint...


:giggle:

[Boston Mike]

Now let's see if it works for MC...


:giggle:

:doh2:

[Johnny Dangerously]

A former Infantry Sergeant having served his time with the Marine Corps
took a new job as a school teacher.

Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required
to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately,
the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school.

The smart aleck punks having already heard the new teacher was a former
Marine were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was
before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the
window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year...

SEMPER FI!


`

[CH53Driver]

A former Infantry Sergeant having served his time with the Marine Corps
took a new job as a school teacher.

Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required
to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately,
the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school.

The smart aleck punks having already heard the new teacher was a former
Marine were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was
before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the
window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year...

SEMPER FI!


`


:rofl3:

[Alloy Dave]

I know What's on LD's mind :doh2:


:rofl3:What? the Dallas Cowboys drug locker? :look:

[Joe G]

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?'

Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: :rofl:

[Alloy Dave]

:ohsnap:

[Johnny Dangerously]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light,
turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put
the cat in the back yard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and we opened the
front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard,
scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's
just going upstairs to say goodnight to
my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away.
"That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with
a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to
wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out
into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.


`

[CH53Driver]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light,
turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put
the cat in the back yard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and we opened the
front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard,
scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's
just going upstairs to say goodnight to
my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away.
"That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with
a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to
wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out
into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.


`


:rofl3:

[Alloy Dave]

Sounds like a true story from Joe's in-laws.

[Joe G]

:hey2:

[68fastback]

This is some funny stuff! :rofl:

British voice-over of animals... carnut??? monkey? is that you?


http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/ :haha:

[Quagmire]

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

[Alloy Dave]

:hey2:

:sofa:

[Black Vert SS]

How did the sympathetic shrink treat his kleptomaniac patient?



He prescribed him something to take

[Joe G]

:doh2:

[Alloy Dave]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Joe G family bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at Joe's house and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

[Alloy Dave]

A woman arrived at a party alone, and after scanning the crown, noticed an attractive man. She approached him and said “Hi, my name is Carmen”. “That’s a beautiful name”, he replied, “is it a family name?” “No”, she said, “I gave it to myself because my two favorite things are cars and men.”

“What is your name”, she asked him.

B.J. Titsandgolf

:haha:

[Alloy Dave]

While riding one day a cowboy meets an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he begins a conversation. "Hey, indian, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian says "Dog no talk."
Cowboy asks anyway: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog says: "Doin' alright."
The Indian is in shock!
Cowboy asks the dog: "Is this Indian your owner?" Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me good food, takes me up to the lake once a week to play and swim." The Indian is in total disbelief!
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good." The Indian is nearly cannot believe his senses!
Cowboy asks the horse: "Is this your owner?" Horse says: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the shed to protect me."
Indian: has a look of complete and utter amazement!
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie! "

[Alloy Dave]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[onecrazydog]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmMCFSo_ouw

[68fastback]

:rofl: hate when the parts come out through the hood :rofl3:

[HSURB]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmMCFSo_ouw

What a tool.

At a party in college, we actually sold $10 chances on how long it would take a Toyota to blow up once we put a stick on the accelerator and red lined it. We never could get the **** thing to blow. It just kept going, even after draining the oil and fluids.

By the way, we were well lubricated ourselves.

HSURB®

[tekheavy]

By the way, we were well lubricated ourselves.

HSURB®

:gay:

[Joe G]

:gay:

:spitcopy:

[68fastback]

Orfstock, 20xx! :haha:

---

IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME

The family wheeled him out onto the lawn, in his
wheelchair, where the activities for his 100th birthday
were taking place. He couldn't speak very well,
but he would write notes when he needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, he started
leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed
him, straightened him up, and stuffed pillows on his
right.

A short time later, he started leaning off to
his left, so again the family grabbed him and stuffed
pillows on his left. Soon he started leaning forward,
so the family members again grabbed him, and then tied a
pillowcase around his waist to hold him up.

A grandson who arrived late came up to him and said,
'Hi, Keith, you're looking good! How are they treating
you?'

He took out his little notepad and slowly wrote a
note to the grandson:


























wait for it













"Bastids won't let me fart!"



:haha: :rofl:













:hide: ;-)

[Tommy Gun]

:rofl: hate when the parts come out through the hood :rofl3:




Me too. :nonono:






:ohsnap:

.

[Alloy Dave]

:hilarious:

[Black Vert SS]

If couples celebrate Valentine's day, What does Tek celebrate?


































wait for it

































Palm sunday

:haha:

[Joe G]

:rofl2:

[Alloy Dave]

I thought you were going to say Hollow Weenie.

[68fastback]

British humor... :haha:

My Blackberry won't work ...and my Apple is having problems too:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

[Shlbylvr]

British humor... :haha:

My Blackberry won't work ...and my Apple is having problems too:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

LOL @ run outta juice.

[Joe G]

I think that's TG and CP. :look:

[Joe G]

JT's dongle won't work in his Apple either.


:haha:

[Shlbylvr]

Apples crash??

:doh2:

[Joe G]

The Perfect Husband





Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.





MAN: "Hello"


WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."


WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"



MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "$90,000."


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."


MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"


MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.


He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[King Cobra]

:haha:

[CH53Driver]

:rofl3:

[Tommy Gun]

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and
I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?”

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[68fastback]

:spitcopy:

4230 ...good one, Bill ;-)

[CH53Driver]

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and
I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?”

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

:rofl3:

Wait till CP sees this.:rollingpin:

[Joe G]

:rofl3:

Wait till CP sees this.:rollingpin:

:haha:


I already emailed it to her. She said something about Bill not liking what she's gonna put into his breakfast in the morning. :ohsnap:

[Little Debbie]

I'll probably get heckled, but Eric came up with one the other day, and, coming from him, well, it killed me




How do you make Lady Gaga cry?



















































Poker face









:tease2:

[68fastback]

lol - cute!

kids are a trip!! ;-)

[Joe G]

:haha:


Tell Eric good joke! :tiphat:

[Tommy Gun]

I'll probably get heckled, but Eric came up with one the other day, and, coming from him, well, it killed me




How do you make Lady Gaga cry?



















































Poker face









:tease2:



She probably likes that done to her.


Don't tell Eric that. :ohsnap:

.

[tekheavy]

:rofl3:

Wait till CP sees this.:rollingpin:

She's still at Lowes. :lol:

[Joe G]

She's still at Lowes. :lol:

:goodpost:

[CH53Driver]

She's still at Lowes. :lol:

:doh2:

[CH53Driver]

I'll probably get heckled, but Eric came up with one the other day, and, coming from him, well, it killed me




How do you make Lady Gaga cry?



















































Poker face









:tease2:

Rep points...for Eric!

[Gr8snkbite]

Replace the canadian flag quick smilie with the American flag one and watch JT explode......:haha:

[Alloy Dave]

A guy is standing on a street corner waiting for the "walk" light to come on, and he looks across to the other side of the street and sees this person dressed so strangely he couldn't tell if it was male or female.

So he turns to this stranger next to him and says "Can you believe that thing over there, you can't even tell if it's a man or a woman"

The stranger says to him "I beg your pardon, that's my son!"

The guy says "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were his mother."

TO which the stranger replied "I'm not, I'm his father."

:ohsnap:

[Gr8snkbite]

:doh2:

[68fastback]

Irish Alzheimer's
>
>
> Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell
> down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
>
>
> After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am
> so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
>
> Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back,
> I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that
> McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church
> every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during
> Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I
> was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
>
> The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal
> McGlynn's hat.. What changed your mind?"
>
> Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
> Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's
> hat after all."
>
> With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile &
> said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided
> you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
>
> Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about
> 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

:haha:

[68fastback]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."


:haha:

[Black Vert SS]

Funny Vid!

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

[Joe G]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Tim, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.



It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at Tim's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Tim replied.

She ran out of the room.

[Gr8snkbite]

:haha: :haha: :haha:

poor timmy....

[HSURB]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Tim, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.



It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at Tim's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Tim replied.

She ran out of the room.

Please tell me you changed the names in that joke . . . . . . JOE.

HSURB®

[Johnny Dangerously]

Please tell me you changed the names in that joke . . . . . . JOE.

HSURB®
No, he didn't Tim. It's the same as the email that Joe sent me.


`

[68fastback]

Foolproof Italian Virginity Test


Joe the Schnoz is planning to marry and asks Doc Vito, his family doctor, how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

Doc Vito says, "Joe, all d'Italian boys I know use deez three things for whatta we call da 'Do-It-Yourself Foolproof Virginity Test Kit' -- A small can o'red paint, a small can o' blue paint ...and da shovel."

Joe the Schnoz asks, "and whatta I do with deez tings, doc?"

Doc Vito instructs, "Before you climb inna da bed on you wedding night, you paint one a you nuts red and da other nut blue.

...if she says, 'That's the strangest pair of nuts I've ever seen!' den, Joe, you gotta...


































...whack her with da shovel, capiche?

:haha:

[CH53Driver]

:doh2:

[onecrazydog]

http://img366.imageshack.us/img366/6484/internetpunksks6.jpg

[CH53Driver]

http://img366.imageshack.us/img366/6484/internetpunksks6.jpg

4368

[onecrazydog]

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - $200
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[GP500SU]

:spitcopy:

[68fastback]

:rofl:

[JTB]

4368

:spitcopy:

[Joe G]

:groan:

[Gr8snkbite]

Now that's funny Shiite....:haha:

[Alloy Dave]

good one. :lol:

[Joe G]

Dave and Heidi were seated next to each other in the first class section of an airplane.

Heidi sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

Dave went back to his reading. A few minutes later, Heidi sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that Heidi might have a cold, Dave was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when Heidi sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, Dave turned to Heidi and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

Dave, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

Heidi nodded, "Pepper."

[Johnny Dangerously]

:rofl3:

[Gr8snkbite]

:haha:

[HSURB]

Dave and Heidi were seated next to each other in the first class section of an airplane.

Heidi sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

Dave went back to his reading. A few minutes later, Heidi sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that Heidi might have a cold, Dave was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when Heidi sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, Dave turned to Heidi and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

Dave, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

Heidi nodded, "Pepper."

:haha::haha::haha:

[CH53Driver]

:rofl3:

Is this a joke or a true story?:look:

[HSURB]

:rofl3:

Is this a joke or a true story?:look:

We'll need to get Heidi online today to clarify for us.

HSURB®

[CH53Driver]

We'll need to get Heidi online today to clarify for us.

HSURB®

:waiting2:

[Joe G]

:rofl3:

Is this a joke or a true story?:look:

:tiptoe:

[Joe G]

Little Deb goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel
for her son's birthday. She doesn't know which one
to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.


A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark
shades. LD says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything
about this rod and reel?'


He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it
on the counter, I can tell you everything about it from the
sound it makes.'


LD doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.


He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around
combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.


LD says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it !!!' As she
opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.


'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.


LD bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind,
he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.


The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'


Little Deb is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you
tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did
you get $34.50?'


He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

[onecrazydog]

:rofl3:

[CH53Driver]

:rofl:

[Shlbylvr]

Dave and Heidi were seated next to each other in the first class section of an airplane.

Heidi sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

Dave went back to his reading. A few minutes later, Heidi sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that Heidi might have a cold, Dave was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when Heidi sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, Dave turned to Heidi and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

Dave, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

Heidi nodded, "Pepper."


We'll need to get Heidi online today to clarify for us.

HSURB®


I've heard this joke ages ago.

If only it were that easy.. :sighs:

[Shlbylvr]

:rofl:

[Black Vert SS]

I've heard this joke ages ago.

If only it were that easy.. :sighs:
It might not be easy, but at least you can have more than one at a time

[Gr8snkbite]

:haha:












:sofa:

[Shlbylvr]

It might not be easy, but at least you can have more than one at a time

Women do have an advantage over men :weg:

[Black Vert SS]

Women do have an advantage over men :weg:

I've been suffering from that advantage since puberty:doh2:

[Shlbylvr]

I've been suffering from that advantage since puberty:doh2:

I don't feel for you!

[CH53Driver]

I've been suffering from that advantage since puberty:doh2:

You're a woman?:doh2:

[Black Vert SS]

You're a woman?:doh2:

I'm a lesbian

[CH53Driver]

I'm a lesbian

:doh2:


Me too.:look:

[onecrazydog]

SCHOOL---1957 vs. 2011

Scenario:
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2011 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 -Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2011 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months... School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 -Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2011 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2011 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 -Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2011 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2011 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes,puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2011 - State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 -In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2011 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[Joe G]

Sad but true, Dog. :nonono:

[onecrazydog]

Yup!! :redcard:

[Shlbylvr]

Wow how true

[onecrazydog]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,







'OK old fart,
Time for you to retire.'


The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle

ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'














The young rooster says,


'Beat it: You are washed up

And I am taking over.'









The old rooster says,


'I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'








The young rooster laughs.


'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'









The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.




They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.





He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!



The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch


When he sees the roosters running by.






The
Old Roosteris squawking


And running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,






'Dammit......


Third



gay rooster I bought this month.'



Moral of this

Story? .....





Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -


Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery





Always overcome youth and arrogance!



OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!

[68fastback]

:spitcopy: ...that there is an instant classic! :rofl: